Posted in anxiety, Daily update

It was awful..

Hola (take twenty-one) Amigos!

Today was awful. And when I say ‘awful’I mean the worst day in a very long time. It reached high anxiety levels and resulted in me nearly passing out.

Due to my physical health problems I had to have an injection today. Needles? Never really a massive problem for me, I’ve been brought up having one type of blood test or injection all the time due to my health. But..today, today, saw me having an injection in my bum…yes my bum. This was because it’s the biggest muscle in us, as humans, and today I had a 3 inch needle with 120ml of steroid injected into me. The sharp ‘scratch’ as they call it, not a phase in the world…the aftermath, however, was the worst in a very long time.

The fact I was having an injection didn’t bother me, but the fact I was having it in my ass, gave me great anxiety. After originally being told I was having it yesterday to then be told I was having it today after we’d travelled to the doctors caused me already extreme amounts of anxiety. The build up to it is what I hate. I hate not knowing what to expect. So when I arrived at the doctors I was nervous for the fact I was going to have to get half naked infront of a doctor I didn’t even know. I mean I don’t just pull my pants down for anyone if you know what I mean so to do this caused me a lot of stress. To then be told how much it would hurt because it’s the maximum amount they can inject into one muscle in one sitting only caused that already very high anxiety level to shoot up even higher. Already I felt sick because of my hatred for hospitals..although I’ve spent all of my life being taken in and out due to mental or physical health problems the feeling for me has never changed. The smell full of bacterial hand gel trying to get rid of the frequent germs, the noises full of coughing and spluttering, a nearby kid crying or the tapper of a computer keypad, the touch of a magazine that you’re reading to try and distract yourself while your palms drip with sweat, the sight of various ages all shifting ready for the appointment. I hate it all, I hate hate hate it all. But either way, I was here, in the room now, ready to have a 3 inch needle be shoved into my ass and I couldn’t do anything about it.

After the injection I walked outside and mum and I waited for my Dad to come and pick us up after he’d gone and got petrol, it felt like he’d taken hours and I must’ve passed out because I hardly remember a thing. All I remember is not being able to see and my ears blocking out noises..the usual signs I have before I faint, I screamed to my mum and this is all I remember of the drive home. Now I didn’t faint due to the pain of the injection but rather due to the amount of anxiety I had built up over the 48 hours of all this kaffaffle..the adrenaline all hit me at once and eventually caused me to pass out. Which was awful.

Today, in recovery mode, I brought my duvet downstairs and snuggled up all day, drifting in and out of naps and I am so relieved to say I feel much better now, and I hope the ache on my bum continues to get less and less until it disappears, especially as I have prom on Friday!

This wasn’t based on a particular topic instead just my awful day and I don’t know how my readers will respond to this but I needed to get it out. If you want more off topic discussions based on my problems during days then please let me know in the comments or email me – absbh101@gmail.com.

Thankyou!

Abigail J

x x x

Posted in anxiety

Isolated? Nope, never..

Hola (take twenty) Amigos!

So you’ll be happy to know a week ago tomorrow I sat the last of my GCSE’s, this was massive step for me especially when my parents were told I’d never walk and have very limited vocabulary, now I have just sat 22 GCSE’s. If this isn’t achieving against the odds, I quite simply don’t know what is! Crazy to think of how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am today and hopefully on August 25th, when I get my results, I get the grades I am hoping for because it’s been 13 very long and stressful years! But I have finished now and what will be will be, right? Everything happens for a reason and now I have a long summer to relax.

Relaxing, of course, means blogging more regularly. So never fear I will now become more active on here, I promise! I know I’ve said it loads but this time I mean it! I’ve had a week to completely chill out and now productivity has to start..this includes finding myself a job. I know, eeeekkkk. Soon I shall be putting together a CV and taking it around multiple shops in the hope someone wants me as an employee, I never thought I’d be capable of doing this let alone before I’ve even hit 16 so let’s see how it goes! But in all honesty I’m not the type to enjoy sitting around and doing nothing so hopefully it’ll keep me somewhat busy in the coming months. Plus with the amount of money I spend on clothes and food I could do with an income! The thing I’m most nervous for is the interview and then the training  (if I get one, *touch wood*) But we’ll take each step as it comes. Like I always have done, and so far it’s worked.

Anyway, recently I read an interesting article about those celebrities who suffer with anxiety and although I nowhere reach their popularity there are definitely some things to relate too (http://celebmix.com/celebrities-and-anxiety-theyre-not-invincible-just-because-theyre-famous/) I think things like this is so important to keep in mind, because anxiety is a very scary place, one which sees us often lonely and isolated, but it’s always important to know you’re very much the opposite of this. Thousands struggle with panic attacks daily and although you might not know anyone who does, I’m sure you’re aware that there is many out there. This surprisingly includes your celebrity favourites!

This article shows you the real truth behind all the glitz and glamour, all the fame and fortune, all the successes and failures. Many celebrity crushes (some who haven’t even announced it) struggle with anxiety, many among the likes of Zayn Malik, Zoe Sugg and even Adele suffer from the barriers that anxiety builds. The difference is, they’ve come out on top and yes they may come out more than everyone else in terms of money and fame but anxiety? They fight it just like me and you, just like you and I. And with little reminders like this, I truly believe anyone with anxiety can push these barriers away; of course they always go and come back but it’s about having those few days, or even hours, where you can push them aside and live like a ‘normal’ person (if this even exists?!)

Please take time to read articles like the one I’ve linked and others that are similar because it helps so much..you’re not alone and please remember that.

My emails have gone a bit quieter recently but remember you’re always welcome to pop me a message on absbh101@gmail.com, if it’s feed back, ideas for content, questions to keep between you and me, even just a simple chat or anything else I’m willing to help, this is why I’m here and it would make me smile knowing I’m making you smile.

As always, thank you!

Abigail J

x x x

Posted in anxiety, Autsim

I’m alive..

Hola (take nineteen) Amigos!

I guess I should start off with explaining why I seemed to have fell off the face of the earth for about a month if not longer, I am so sorry! I’ve been in full swing with my exams and when I’m not chilling out after one, I’m revising (..aswell as eating) Therefore, I have had hardly any time to watch good ol’ Love Island let alone update my blog and I wasn’t keen to do any half hearted ones with quick updates that weren’t interesting and were completely pointless. So, I’ve found myself a spare hour or so where I want to update you all; well, not only do I want to, you all deserve it. Thank you for the kind emails I’ve still received and for staying in touch, following, or even just liking my blog, this means the world especially as I haven’t been active on it for now what seems like years.

So, for the past month I have been in mid-flow of my GCSE’s, if you have followed any of my other posts (or if you can even remember them!) you will know I always have extra anxiety compared to the ‘normal’ person, so as you can imagine, these normal high rates of anxiety now are desperately reaching the top as I sit through very important exams. It doesn’t help the amount of pressure I put on myself and with all of my targets ranging from an A*-B I feel like I have a tonne of weight on my shoulders. Now, I believe 18 exams have whizzed past and I’ve been left feeling drained and desperate to refuel, however, from today I now only have 3 left, which is a massive relief! However, they’re Physics, Chemistry and my last unit of history, so there really is no break for the wicked as of yet!

Hopefully, next Tuesday comes quick and I can say goodbye to exams and goodbye to school. I’ve officially had my last day at school as I’m now on study leave and only going in for my exams, however it hasn’t yet kicked in that this is the end of a massive stage in my life. I’m sure I will start to realise it next Tuesday when my last exam is, and then the following week I will have my leavers assembly which will hit me hard, and soon after that will be my prom, where I will say goodbye to many friends that have kept me sane these last 5 years and for some of us it’s the end of a very long 10 year road of school memories..so I know that’s going to hurt.

On a more PDA note, the fact I get to leave school is a massive achievement for me, anyone with PDA or any type of Autism understands the stress school can have on them and many don’t attend. No matter if you attend or not, I am proud of you all because you’re all still fighting through and managing to read my blogs, so I do not mean this in any way to say your achievements aren’t as big as mine, instead, they are simply just different. From Nursery I remember the way Mum used to physically push me into the school gates whilst I screamed after her and now she admits she used to come home and cry as her little girl crying at the school gates used to break her heart..but she also knew she had to do it for the sake of my independence. Throughout school life I’d come out most days saying ‘oh it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be Mum’ and now this has become our inside joke, using it most days after a particular stressful event for myself. Everyday she used to tell me  she’s only doing what she needs to do and I’d thank her in the future, of course I completely denied that this would ever happen, but 13 years later I couldn’t be more grateful of what she used to push me through. I am now predicted excellent grades and the majority of my exams have left me feeling confident, aswell as this I have been accepted into my preferred sixth form aslong as I get 5 A*-C grades which is looking very likely! The subjects I am wanting to take will mean I need A’s in certain GCSE’s but I will cross that boundary when I get to it.

When this next tuesday comes up, I will feel that all this hard work and stress has payed off, everyday, every exam down, I feel like a weight is being gradually lifted off my shoulder and right now I am delighted in myself. Only one more weekend of hard revision to go and I get to have summer for 3 months, 3 months of not attending school, 3 months of laziness and hopefully 3 months of exciting activities. However, this 3 months will find me getting myself a job and starting to earn my own money like an adult (a prospect I’m not so much looking forward too) I’m not one to spend time stressing about what’s been done on the exam side of things, so hopefully only a few times if not ever my mind will wonder to what it’s going to be like going to school on the third Thursday in August to pick up my results, all I can hope is that envelope gives me everything I’ve wanted and more, they say you get what you work for and I can only pray this is true.

This summer my aim is to blog atleast once a week, if not several times and this will be more easily achievable due to me being off and at home mostly. So, I promise I will be more consistent now.

Even if my grades go wrong, remember no letter can ever define me or you, life goes on and everything happens for a reason, right kids?

Thankyou for all your continued support!

Abigail J

x x x