Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update

My GCSE results..

Hola (take twenty-two) Amigos!

This is unfortunately getting into a bad habit..everytime in my last few blogs I seem to start them with ‘sorry’ and I am genuinely sorry..I say it from the bottom of my heart when I apologise for my useless updates with my blog. It’s annoying because it’s not as if I don’t think about it, I constantly find myself telling my one friend that knows about this blog that I must do it, but finding enough time to make a perfectly edited blog seems to take a while at the moment. However, I am sorry and it’s the way I am to have to get it perfect so you’re going to have to put up with it unfortunately! Hopefully one day in the near future I find myself keeping you lot updated when I get going with it because I know I cannot help people if I don’t post updates so here I vow to you I shall try my very best.

I’m unsure where to start this blog..it’s been a crazy few weeks/even months since I’ve last updated. I thought the longest summer holiday I will ever have would see me having so much free time to write but it’s surprisingly left me with the opposite. Whether I’ve been on holiday, out with friends, trying to see my boyfriend in between his many holidays, celebrating my birthday, doing sixth form homework (which seems to have taken over my life) and catching up with all my family! I have certainly kept busy, however these are not good enough¬†excuses at all, so I’ll cut to the chase.

I guess the first place to start is with something that happened this Thursday, I’m sure many of you were aware it was GCSE results day, and it was finally my year to go up and collect my results. It was strange, the day and night before left me full of nerves and suspense, as expected, but that bit more due to my anxiety and Autism. The next morning came, after I finally slept through the night, and with this came the usual nerves. As always, ever the early person, I made Mum get me to the school gates for 9am, when they would open. I scrambled in, locating the A-C surname area and queued up, talking to a few of my friends. Eventually each person before me seemed to have disappeared with their results¬†and it was my turn to get my very own. The teacher found my name and handed them to me giving me the best of luck, as many people around me hurriedly went into their groups of friends each opening and comparing their results, screams filled the hall with comments such as ‘NO WAY DID YOU GET AN A IN MATHS, WHAT EVEN’ to ‘OH MY GOD I MANAGED TO GET A D IN FRENCH’ Not wanting to stop I tried to escape outside to my Mum so I could open them in peace, after a few conversations with friends (whom many were also going to their car to open their results) and a few teachers asking me what I got and then realising I hadn’t opened them yet, s0 instead wishing my a brief good luck. I exited the school doors and with nervous eyes I spotted my Mum, although my original plan meant opening them in the car (just in case!) knowing they were in the envelope in my hands left me with too much suspense to wait any longer and I slid out the very, very important and precious piece of paper..

After 13 years of forcing me to go into school ignoring my tears and my strength to refuse, I can tell you now I have never been more grateful for my Mum doing this. Today, I still realise how hard it must’ve been for her. She put her upmost confidence in that I could achieve anything, especially those things people would say I couldn’t. As a young child I was told I would never walk and would have a very limited vocabulary. My Mum ignored what many doctors told her and went and got me my very famous (in this house anyway!) ‘little red boots’ of which were put on me as soon as I awoke and taken off only when I bathed just before bed, by 1 I was walking and getting up to all the mischief any usual child was. My talking definitely came later than what is considered normal and with my first word being a continuous spell of ‘no’ followed along with a shake of my head, you’d think my Mum would give up, however eventually more words followed on, I had the usual ‘mumma’ ‘dadda’ and ‘nanna’, with my sister being known as ‘lala’ (as she was known as ‘Lou’.) At the age of 3, I was in nursery and I could easily have a conversation with anyone, aslong as I was confident enough. Again, my Mum had helped me prove the Doctors wrong. No way in hell would she fall at the last hurdle and keep me out of school as it was the ‘easiest thing to do.’

I know different parents and different situations lead to different answers and opinions but from my point of view I am full of gratitude for what my Mum made me do. Although I used to scream and cry, oh god did I hate her for it, I have just come out with 9 GCSE’s..and I did 9 subjects. I passed every single subject with ease. My results included 4 A’s, 4B’s and only 1 C (in German). For the first time in my life I felt proud of myself, proving everyone wrong like I had been brought up to do, I had completed my exams, passing every single one and I am now off to my first choice of sixth form. Come September 5th I will be where I want to be, learning Psychology, Health and Social Care, English Literature and History.

For this, I have no one to thank but my parents who ignored the ‘advice’ of Doctors, Councillors, Psychiatrists, along with other ‘know it all’ parents and every other bugger else and here I am. Everyone who said I wouldn’t be able to achieve much now has to witness me going to sixth form, heading for my place in Uni, this means so so much to me and my parents. With my Mum’s determination from the start, I have grown up in the aspiration to carry her traits and I am getting there. Confidence is key, I used to have none, now I have some, although only limited, you have to fake it until you make it angels. I have never felt the immense proudness for myself like I did when I picked up those results.

After reading them I had to go straight to apply to my sixth form, knowing I’d got everything I needed to for my subjects was such a relief for both me and my Mum, that B I needed in Science to study Psychology..I only went and bloody got! Filling out the forms with each grade I then handed them in, the teacher checked I had everything I needed and was quick to say ‘This is a beautiful set of results, you should be so proud of yourself’ and for the first time ever I agreed.

Today, also was a big step for me, handing in my CV to a work opportunity, I never thought I’d hand one in especially at only 16, so now I’m waiting to hear back..knowing full well whatever will be is meant to be. Sixth form and Work aslong as the extra homework and keeping social is going to be a struggle but I am fully capable of doing it, and I know I am. If I start to struggle too much I know I can just quit the job, but for now let’s see how it will work (literally!) out.

Again, I am truly sorry for the delay in an update..this post was definitely one I wanted to get right.

From a 6 month old being told I never would talk..I just got an A in English Language and an A in English Literature, which I am now taking further at A level, I think that’s enough motivation for anyone out there to know they can do absolutely anything if they put their mind to it.

All emails (absbh101@gmail.com) are very welcomed and replies are a lot quicker than blog updates, I promise! I’ll try and get this blog sorted with recent updates though, as long as sixth form and work aren’t draining me too much, I’m not making any promises! However, I know it’s time to get my head in gear..and this blog is studying right? Basically Psychology, Health and Social Care and English Lit all in one right?!

Thankyou so much for reading this whole blog and being so supportive.

I love you all,

Abigail J

x x x

 

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