Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update, Uncategorized

Easter and a very low gal..

Hola (take thirty-six) Amigos!

As usual, I’m going to start this blog how I start every other – sorry for the lack of updates! Life’s really getting on top of me at the moment, and I’m at a proper low point. So here’s a nice rant for you all to enjoy!

So 3 weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up after over a year together, it’s been really tough on me. Originally, it was my idea but as usual it was a rash decision and when I went to see if we could work out he didn’t want me anymore. It’s been so horrible as my self confidence is always low but when someone you really want looks you in the eyes and says they don’t want you anymore it really bloody hurts. I’ve been struggling with the change of routine more than most people would, I’m trying to readjust to being at home most nights or making plans with others. It’s weird not to be round his every weekend and most weekdays but it always takes getting used to no matter what and I understand that. However, the worst thing about it all is that it’s turned my mental health into complete chaos and if I’m truly honest I haven’t felt this down in a very long time.

There’s been nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, nights I’ve drove and drove and drove. I’ve been in such a low place that at times I’ve considered if the world would be a better place without me. My whole happiness has been snatched away and it’s left me with a very dark cloud hovering above me and I’m losing the will to try and get it to go away. I’ve lost most of my motivation for school work and found myself not going in much at all. I’ve lost the excitement of going to university and I’m starting to think maybe it’s best I stay at home. In all honesty, it’s just been an awful couple of weeks and I’m trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes though you have to shine your own light and I guess this is one of those times.

I have every hope I’ll find my own happiness again soon enough but I hope it comes in the next week or so as I’m struggling with this weight on my shoulders. It’s all too much stress. The problem with PDA is that you get obsessions with things or people, mine just so happens to be people and my boyfriends end up being the obsession. They don’t know this of course, when we’re going out I’m no different in that aspect to anyone else. However, it’s the aftermath that hits me harder than most. I find myself struggling to find a reason to live and with a new goal to find my happiness in someone else. But I did that last time and I’ve ended up even worse than I was after my last break up so I’m not doing that this time. This is the first time I’ve been on my own for a long period of time (for about 2.5 years) and I’m fully aware it’s now time to find the happiness in myself, no matter how hard it seems.

So for anyone else in a really dark place, struggling to find the positives, I promise you you’re not alone. There’s much better times coming, make sure you’re around to see them. You’ve impacted more lives than you’ll ever know. When you’re in such a down phase it’s easy to dismiss the people that love you, to feel like the world would be a much better place without you around but I can assure you that’s not the case. Everyday you make an impact on people’s lives that you wouldn’t even know; the people at home who are comforted just by your presence, your close friends that do nothing but laugh with you when you’re around, your pet who runs up to you as soon as they sense your sad, the distant family members who’ve recently liked your facebook posts, the bus driver who sees you every morning on your way to school, the local shop worker who always scans through your favourite chocolate bar, even the person you walked past in the street last night. ALL these people have been impacted by your presence and would feel deep sadness if they didn’t see you most days. Your life is worth living, the future brings so much happiness so please make sure you’re around to see it happen.

As always, I’m an email away and I reply much faster on there than I’m active on here! – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com

Thank you so much for reading if you do get the far – it’s been very ramble-y!

Also, Happy Easter – eat all your chocolate and worry about the weight after, you’re all beautiful!

Much love to you all

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in Daily update

DRIVING..

Hola (take thirty-five) Amigos!

I will get back to my proper blogging in the very near future! But for now I wanted you all to know that just under 2 weeks ago I passed my driving test! I only turned 17 in July and now I’m driving around, I’m very proud!

So for everyone with PDA or any type of autism that is petrified of their driving test, as scary as it seems it is okay and you will be fine! As I’m someone who refuses all demands (obviously due to my diagnosis) and I still passed first time, anyone can!

Thank you

Always feel free to email me still – Abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com as I always keep on top of them, I’m only rubbish with my blog!!

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in Daily update

I GOT IN..

Hola (take thirty-four) Amigos!

Just a quick one to share my glee with you lot! I GOT AN UNCONDITIONAL OFFER FROM LINCOLN YESTERDAY! I’m in the uni no matter how bad I do in my A levels now and it’s so nice to have the weight off my shoulder.

I’ll catch up soon, love you all.

Thank you,

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update

PDA V Relationships&General Chitchat..

Hola (take thirty-three) Amigos!
Again, in true me style, I’m sorry for lack of update but I found myself just laying on my bed crying and the first place I thought to turn was here, so imma get straight to it.

Does anyone else with PDA struggle with relationships? As in romantic relationships?
Because, oh heck, I do. I did before in my previous relationship and I never knew if it was just because we didn’t work out, but it’s becoming the same in my relationship now. And to tell you the honest truth..it sucks so bad. I hate it. I have a couple of months where everything’s perfect – the obsession that comes with PDA suddenly clings onto my boyfriend, it’s him I want to be with 24/7, and then suddenly, literally out of nowhere it just takes a massive U turn. I find myself questioning the relationship altogether, questions like – ‘is it worth the stress?’ ‘will we even last?’ ‘are we meant to be?’ and statements like – ‘this is pointless’ ‘I want to be single’ and emotions including isolation, negativity and feeling trapped all go whirling round my head and I just can’t get out of it. I try to stop and see the positive sides but this negativity hangs over me like a storm cloud ready to burst.
Today is one of them days, I want out of the relationship but I also know I’d regret that fully. It’s one of the worst things that affect me with PDA, I go from obsessing over this one guy, from him being my everything to wanting to leave him and escape. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive to the fact that a phase like this goes on in ‘normal’ relationships but I’m also not stupid enough to think it goes to the same extent. I’ve come to the conclusion that the demands of a relationship sometimes do just get waaaayyy too much, and I need to realise that’s okay. Before doing something I would regret in the nearby future, I’ve asked my boyfriend for just some space, some space for me to just regain that self esteem and to have a blank slate on demands of relationships. To which, I think he understands, only time will tell.
The down phases always come, still today, it’s part of my depression, PDA and anxiety so I know they’ll be around forever, but in the winter it gets so much worse when my SAD kicks in, the initial changing over from seasons is a real struggle and I guess this is what this all is about really, which is what I have to remember before making any rash decisions that just suit me now, rather than in the very near future. However, it’s really, bloody hard. I find myself battling my brain for a week or more just trying to do daily actions. I come home from school, get straight in my PJS and sleep. The demands are like hot water boiling over a pan on the hob, and I have to find a relief, which normally would be spending time with my boyfriend…but not right now eh haha.

So, instead, I’ve got to find my own way and maybe that’s writing. (I’ve recently started writing notes down to a plot of a book I wanna write one day)
So I was just wondering if anyone else with PDA has them down phases with relationships while they struggle with the demands faced to them? If so, please get in touch – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com – knowing people have the same problems would give me a heck of reassurance.

Sometimes we all have down phases..and thats okay..it’s the coming back out of it that’s important.

In other news, my Mum knows about my blog! It’s something I’ve always kept completely secret from everyone except for one very close friend and a councillor that once saw me and came up with the idea of starting a blog. I wish I could say I’d got the guts and told her but that’d be a lie, I have no idea how she knows! Mother, if you’re reading this now, I know it’s not just Mother instincts that made you find out I had a blog 😉 It actually is a funny story on how I found out she knew; I was at a University open day and we’d just come out of a Creative&Professional writing talk, and the lecturer had just mentioned that blogs were an important running system throughout. Afterwards, when sat in the canteen, Mum mentioned how a blog would be a good idea and I sneaked in ‘I’ve got a blog you know’ (so give me some credit, I mean I did think I was telling her!) to which she went ‘I know’, I’m still waiting to know how mind. But she’s taken it really well and there’s no pressure from her which I appreciate, if anything she reminds me to keep on top of it, although I’m still useless at it!<<

so, on the being 17 front – I’ve started driving! Is anyone else with PDA going to admit how hard that is? The demands are sending me crazzzaaayy! But, I’ve got my own little car – a Hyundai i10, which I love! – and my Dads taking me out at the moment, and he has been since the last weekend in August. The actual driving, I think I’ve got now, same with clutch control, but no chance on the manoeuvres! I was waiting to hear back from a guy that did driving lessons for those with special needs and I’d heard great reviews but he never got back to me after a month of voicemails being left by both me and my Mum, so I had to give up on him, which is a shame, as he himself had Asperges so he could’ve understood that bit more than most. However, I’ve recently messaged a ‘normal’ instructor and am now waiting to hear back what day he can do, I’ll let you know how it goes! I’m very nervous though, it’s one thing Dad shouting at me to ‘TURN SHARPER’ ‘SLOW DOWN’ but I don’t know how I’ll deal with a complete stranger. I guess the main benefit is atleast I can actually drive, but now I just want to pass!<<

School, so far so…okay?, Lessons are going fine and I’m in full prep to sit my A levels in June but crikey it’s a lot of work and revision between now and then and I need BBC to get to my dream University so got to keep my head down. I also got my English Literature AS remarked and went up to a C – going up by 7 marks! I’ve just finished off my UCAS, which was crazy! I’m too young for this, what happened to little Abbi who stayed hidden under school tables in nursery and cried, begging my Mum to take me home?! Personal Statements are truly the hardest things to write, I’m sure J.K Rowling had it easier writing Harry Potter. I’ve not got enough confidence as it is, let alone when you’ve got to big yourself up on a bit of paper, I think I’ve finally finished it now though which is a relief. On the friend front, not so good, don’t trust any of them and can’t imagine I’ll be talking to them when I leave school but for now they’ll do.<<
So to anyone else with PDA struggling in education or to any parents forcing their children to get into school – YOU CAN DO IT!

My Mum never thought she’d see the day where I was in main stream school, let alone now applying to Universities. We’ve come a long, long way and I couldn’t have done it without her pushing me to it. (Promise I’m not just saying that now she knows my blog exists. I’d be more than lost without my dearest Motherbear<3)

Anywayyyy, enough rambling for one day – feel free to email me as always, I love to help!<3<
Thank you<
Abigail J

x x x

Posted in Autsim, Daily update

Moany update..

Hola (take thirty-two) Amigos!

Been a bit of a tough week – so many friends have turned out to be very sly and yet again my ex has sent nasty messages to which I’ve ignored. My sister sent a few fb messages in retaliation though, can’t say I blame her, I’m fed up of being treated like crap by him when I haven’t even done anything wrong. All my ‘friends’ seem to have sided with him too which makes it all 100x worse.

I’ve got a few hard things coming up, first off results day on Thursday – however, I’m not nervous for..as of yet anyway. If you get below DDD you don’t make it into next year. You’d think I’d be nervous, I need to get into next year to get good A levels and then eventually to go on my own adventure at University. However, these arguments with my friends have made me secretly hope I don’t get in if it means I don’t have to face all the drama they bring me. It’s disgusting how they’ve isolated me when none of them can even justify one thing I’ve actually done wrong to deserve it. I’ve got plenty of friends, from year 8 onwards I never did struggle with my friendship group that much. But now I am, I really am – atleast in school anyway. I’ve got plenty of friends but they’re all elsewhere now. Some have just gone off to uni this year while others just happen to go to seperate schools which really does suck. It’s gunna be a struggle to go back to a place which always seems like hell due to the crazy amount of demands but now it’s going to be even worse – I’ve got to face it with very few friends by my side. But it does mean I can fully focus on my A levels which only can turn out in my favour right?!

Second of all – I’ve got Reading festival. Thursday until Monday of next week – yano what that means? Busy and new places, very loud music and a whole lot of camping. I was excited for the social aspect of it but as previously explained those friends I am not so close with now. I’ve still got my boyfriend and some other friendship group whom I’m going to be with but it’s so crap how it’s all been ruined for no actual reason on my behalf. There’s also a party this Saturday coming which of course all my friends have been invited to, except me so that feels a bit crap. But onwards and upwards? I’ll let you know how Reading goes – it’s a massive step for me and my independence.

On the good side – I’ve just booked a holiday in Spain for October with my boyfriend as his dad lives out there so we’ll stay with him. Should be amazing! I’m very excited to get some sun.

As always email me on abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com for any advice or just a chat etc.

Hopefully my next blog will be more positive or atleast something useful for you lovely readers and not just moaning. But you have to know the goods and the bads right?!

Thank you!

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in Autsim, Daily update

Failing relationships… 

Hola (take thirty-one) Amigos!

Don’t worry!! Me and my boyfriend are okay!!

After a load of crap I’ve been dealing with by friends I felt it was only right to post a blog on it. Writing helps me relieve the stress so yous lot just have to put up with it! Would you prefer a spam or no post at all?

It’s a tough one. A really tough one. Being friends while struggling with PDA. Or any type of autism for that matter. Friendship isn’t easy, not at the best of times for the most ‘normal’ people. It means constantly compromising, it means making other people happy and sometimes it even means arguing. However, arguing shows you care – it’s horrible, excruciating and aggravating but it’s a normal aspect of life. It’s important, it’s necessary to fight for those you love. As clichè as it is and as much as you hear it, people argue because they’re fighting for each other, not against each other. Sometimes those arguments seem the worst ever but forgiveness is always an option.

I’ve been distancing myself from friends for what seems like forever, it’s those times when bad things happen elsewhere and you feel the need to be alone. It’s been like that a while for me. I’ve been struggling with other things on my mind so I’ve been separating myself from friends and the drama that comes with most girls at the age of 17. However, it all came backfiring to me last week, when my ex sent a horrid text saying how I was losing everyone. I knew what he was saying was right but I wasn’t going to admit that, he was only saying it out of spite anyway. Truth be told, the only reason I’ve been drifting from them is down to him. Being in the same friendship group as your ex is not enjoyable, let me tell you. The demands of trying to stay civil while not being too friendly is not nice. My friends seem to be getting off with him left, right and centre and it’s not nice to see whether or not you’re fully over them, especially when they’re your so called ‘friends’. So, my ex put me into WW3 as I asked all my friends what was up and if we were okay (to which I learned only 2 were annoyed) and then he decided not to message me back, to say to other mutual friends of mine and his that he wasn’t getting involved. Nothing like dropping your ex into arguments and then pi**ing off elsewhere is there!

However, today brought forgiveness. It brought me a new frame of mine. I apologised to one of my friends for my actions and explained I was only isolating myself (Whether I think she did wrong or not I didn’t mention). Sometimes I think forgiving and forgetting is the best possible option. I know if I stick to my usual stubborn self I’m only going to regret my decisions in the long run..when I go to Reading festival with both my ex and our friendship group and when we go back to school. It’s something I need to do so it’s not playing on the back of my mind all summer.

I can’t stress enough how tricky any relationships are to keep when you have PDA. The demands are tough and never ending but sometimes tricky friendships make everything so much worse. Being demanded to be friendly non stop at school is another barrier for us – one that many don’t even spare a second thought to. I just need to stress that it’s okay to find them difficult, it’s completely normal to everyone, even more so to those with autism. Sometimes it seems the best option to keep to your stubborn guts during the argument but it’s also important to remember the benefits forgiving and forgetting will give you in the long run. I’m not saying don’t stick up for yourself because that’s vitally important and a trait that’ll be so useful over time. However, sometimes you have to prioritise your battles and when you’re battling against the demands everyday, you can’t afford a separate fight.

Please remember – relationships and friendships that are supposed to be…will be.

Sorry about the rambling post. I needed it off my chest.

Thank you – email me abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com for absolutely anything!

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update

The PIP fight..

Hola (take twenty – nine) Amigos! 

It’s PIP time in my household, about a month ago me and mum fought for some money to keep us going. So mum can stay at home and not have to work because she’s my backbone. There’s not much I ask for in this life but we really could do with a bit more money as mum doesn’t get an income. And like most PIPs, we’ve been rejected…

My mums started the process now to challenge it, but of course it’s a battle that we could’ve done without. For those who aren’t familiar with it, you need 8 points for minimum money and 16 for maximum. I got 2. None for medication, even though I don’t know half the names of the ones I take and my mum is the one who provides me with them downstairs every morning next to a drink. We had no points for money even though it literally burns a hole through my pocket and I really struggle to sort it. In the letter we also had the phrase ‘with Abigail doing a levels it’s unlikely she’s reaching maximum struggles’ 1) I have to stay in education until I’m 18, unfortunately it’s illegal for me not to 2) The reason I’m at a levels is because I couldn’t deal with the transition to a different and new college. 

Again, it’s a fight we really don’t want to have. With mum always at home because I need her here for me there should be some money coming in for our household. Something’s got to give. Not only does it mean Mum’s going through the stress of writing a challenging letter, we all have to go through her anger and upset from it.

 Today on the way back from hospital she went ‘abs I’d have been better leaving you under the table all them years ago because you’d be in a better financial state just now’ she then went on to cry. It’s horrible seeing her like that and she knows deep down that she did the right thing by moving me on to school and now I have the skills to get a job easily whereas I wouldn’t have. But, god it hurts. In the meeting you have to look like a complete moron to even be in with the slightest chance of acceptance, it’s dehumanising and disgusting that if someone knows what time of day they have their tablets and they’re wearing jeans then they’re fine. What type of logic are they working off? It’s something that I can’t really sort but I do have to be here while my mum, for the second time, reports on all the worst things about me and when I walk past the computer screen and read a sentence it really isn’t a nice one. It hurts to fight for some money that we really need to keep me sorted. If my mum hadn’t have been at home all this time for pick ups and to catch my tears, I’d definitely not be the person I am today, but instead they continue to stay so tight on the money they have which leaves the rest of us struggling. 

It’s hard on all of us but it’s a battle we’re gunna have to take on head first.. 

Thank you. 

Abigail J 

                                  X  X  X 

Posted in anxiety, Daily update

Heartbroken..

Hola (take twenty – seven) amigos! 

Last night was hard. Really hard. I broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months because I need to put myself first. It really hurts. My whole world feels like it’s caved in around me but I can’t put all my happiness in the hands of that one guy. It’s time to put me first, to sort out my mental health. I’ve broken my own heart and even worse I’ve smashed the heart which belongs to the guy I love. I haven’t written us off forever and I made that so clear. He knows I struggle but he doesn’t know of my PDA, anxiety or SAD. It really kills me to know he’s upset and the texts I’ve received throughout the day have made a sickness form within me that I never thought was possible. I wish he hated me because it’d make this a hell of a lot easier..but he’s too lovely for that. I thought if it was my choice I’d be okay but the guilt is just adding to this undeniable pain that’s circling throughout me like a tornado. The face I saw last with his tears is the only thing ringing round my mind and I’m finding it impossible to focus on something else. However, what can I do? I have to have me time and sort myself out just now. I’m at a low point and whether that’s because of a level stress, it being January’s (doesn’t bode well with SAD) or if it’s just a low point again, I still have to rest and recorporate. My heart hurts like it’s being repeatedly smashed with a sledge hammer but I’ve got to help myself before I can be with someone. My vision is used to being blurred from these tears that don’t seem to stop forming. Have I done the right thing if I feel this low afterwards?

Thing is with mental health problems, how can you accept the love from someone else when you can’t accept it from yourself. 

It’s time to fall in love with myself. And then hopefully I’ll figure the rest out. 

Thank you. 

Abigail J 

                                X  X  X

Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update

My GCSE results..

Hola (take twenty-two) Amigos!

This is unfortunately getting into a bad habit..everytime in my last few blogs I seem to start them with ‘sorry’ and I am genuinely sorry..I say it from the bottom of my heart when I apologise for my useless updates with my blog. It’s annoying because it’s not as if I don’t think about it, I constantly find myself telling my one friend that knows about this blog that I must do it, but finding enough time to make a perfectly edited blog seems to take a while at the moment. However, I am sorry and it’s the way I am to have to get it perfect so you’re going to have to put up with it unfortunately! Hopefully one day in the near future I find myself keeping you lot updated when I get going with it because I know I cannot help people if I don’t post updates so here I vow to you I shall try my very best.

I’m unsure where to start this blog..it’s been a crazy few weeks/even months since I’ve last updated. I thought the longest summer holiday I will ever have would see me having so much free time to write but it’s surprisingly left me with the opposite. Whether I’ve been on holiday, out with friends, trying to see my boyfriend in between his many holidays, celebrating my birthday, doing sixth form homework (which seems to have taken over my life) and catching up with all my family! I have certainly kept busy, however these are not good enough excuses at all, so I’ll cut to the chase.

I guess the first place to start is with something that happened this Thursday, I’m sure many of you were aware it was GCSE results day, and it was finally my year to go up and collect my results. It was strange, the day and night before left me full of nerves and suspense, as expected, but that bit more due to my anxiety and Autism. The next morning came, after I finally slept through the night, and with this came the usual nerves. As always, ever the early person, I made Mum get me to the school gates for 9am, when they would open. I scrambled in, locating the A-C surname area and queued up, talking to a few of my friends. Eventually each person before me seemed to have disappeared with their results and it was my turn to get my very own. The teacher found my name and handed them to me giving me the best of luck, as many people around me hurriedly went into their groups of friends each opening and comparing their results, screams filled the hall with comments such as ‘NO WAY DID YOU GET AN A IN MATHS, WHAT EVEN’ to ‘OH MY GOD I MANAGED TO GET A D IN FRENCH’ Not wanting to stop I tried to escape outside to my Mum so I could open them in peace, after a few conversations with friends (whom many were also going to their car to open their results) and a few teachers asking me what I got and then realising I hadn’t opened them yet, s0 instead wishing my a brief good luck. I exited the school doors and with nervous eyes I spotted my Mum, although my original plan meant opening them in the car (just in case!) knowing they were in the envelope in my hands left me with too much suspense to wait any longer and I slid out the very, very important and precious piece of paper..

After 13 years of forcing me to go into school ignoring my tears and my strength to refuse, I can tell you now I have never been more grateful for my Mum doing this. Today, I still realise how hard it must’ve been for her. She put her upmost confidence in that I could achieve anything, especially those things people would say I couldn’t. As a young child I was told I would never walk and would have a very limited vocabulary. My Mum ignored what many doctors told her and went and got me my very famous (in this house anyway!) ‘little red boots’ of which were put on me as soon as I awoke and taken off only when I bathed just before bed, by 1 I was walking and getting up to all the mischief any usual child was. My talking definitely came later than what is considered normal and with my first word being a continuous spell of ‘no’ followed along with a shake of my head, you’d think my Mum would give up, however eventually more words followed on, I had the usual ‘mumma’ ‘dadda’ and ‘nanna’, with my sister being known as ‘lala’ (as she was known as ‘Lou’.) At the age of 3, I was in nursery and I could easily have a conversation with anyone, aslong as I was confident enough. Again, my Mum had helped me prove the Doctors wrong. No way in hell would she fall at the last hurdle and keep me out of school as it was the ‘easiest thing to do.’

I know different parents and different situations lead to different answers and opinions but from my point of view I am full of gratitude for what my Mum made me do. Although I used to scream and cry, oh god did I hate her for it, I have just come out with 9 GCSE’s..and I did 9 subjects. I passed every single subject with ease. My results included 4 A’s, 4B’s and only 1 C (in German). For the first time in my life I felt proud of myself, proving everyone wrong like I had been brought up to do, I had completed my exams, passing every single one and I am now off to my first choice of sixth form. Come September 5th I will be where I want to be, learning Psychology, Health and Social Care, English Literature and History.

For this, I have no one to thank but my parents who ignored the ‘advice’ of Doctors, Councillors, Psychiatrists, along with other ‘know it all’ parents and every other bugger else and here I am. Everyone who said I wouldn’t be able to achieve much now has to witness me going to sixth form, heading for my place in Uni, this means so so much to me and my parents. With my Mum’s determination from the start, I have grown up in the aspiration to carry her traits and I am getting there. Confidence is key, I used to have none, now I have some, although only limited, you have to fake it until you make it angels. I have never felt the immense proudness for myself like I did when I picked up those results.

After reading them I had to go straight to apply to my sixth form, knowing I’d got everything I needed to for my subjects was such a relief for both me and my Mum, that B I needed in Science to study Psychology..I only went and bloody got! Filling out the forms with each grade I then handed them in, the teacher checked I had everything I needed and was quick to say ‘This is a beautiful set of results, you should be so proud of yourself’ and for the first time ever I agreed.

Today, also was a big step for me, handing in my CV to a work opportunity, I never thought I’d hand one in especially at only 16, so now I’m waiting to hear back..knowing full well whatever will be is meant to be. Sixth form and Work aslong as the extra homework and keeping social is going to be a struggle but I am fully capable of doing it, and I know I am. If I start to struggle too much I know I can just quit the job, but for now let’s see how it will work (literally!) out.

Again, I am truly sorry for the delay in an update..this post was definitely one I wanted to get right.

From a 6 month old being told I never would talk..I just got an A in English Language and an A in English Literature, which I am now taking further at A level, I think that’s enough motivation for anyone out there to know they can do absolutely anything if they put their mind to it.

All emails (absbh101@gmail.com) are very welcomed and replies are a lot quicker than blog updates, I promise! I’ll try and get this blog sorted with recent updates though, as long as sixth form and work aren’t draining me too much, I’m not making any promises! However, I know it’s time to get my head in gear..and this blog is studying right? Basically Psychology, Health and Social Care and English Lit all in one right?!

Thankyou so much for reading this whole blog and being so supportive.

I love you all,

Abigail J

x x x

 

Posted in anxiety, Daily update

It was awful..

Hola (take twenty-one) Amigos!

Today was awful. And when I say ‘awful’I mean the worst day in a very long time. It reached high anxiety levels and resulted in me nearly passing out.

Due to my physical health problems I had to have an injection today. Needles? Never really a massive problem for me, I’ve been brought up having one type of blood test or injection all the time due to my health. But..today, today, saw me having an injection in my bum…yes my bum. This was because it’s the biggest muscle in us, as humans, and today I had a 3 inch needle with 120ml of steroid injected into me. The sharp ‘scratch’ as they call it, not a phase in the world…the aftermath, however, was the worst in a very long time.

The fact I was having an injection didn’t bother me, but the fact I was having it in my ass, gave me great anxiety. After originally being told I was having it yesterday to then be told I was having it today after we’d travelled to the doctors caused me already extreme amounts of anxiety. The build up to it is what I hate. I hate not knowing what to expect. So when I arrived at the doctors I was nervous for the fact I was going to have to get half naked infront of a doctor I didn’t even know. I mean I don’t just pull my pants down for anyone if you know what I mean so to do this caused me a lot of stress. To then be told how much it would hurt because it’s the maximum amount they can inject into one muscle in one sitting only caused that already very high anxiety level to shoot up even higher. Already I felt sick because of my hatred for hospitals..although I’ve spent all of my life being taken in and out due to mental or physical health problems the feeling for me has never changed. The smell full of bacterial hand gel trying to get rid of the frequent germs, the noises full of coughing and spluttering, a nearby kid crying or the tapper of a computer keypad, the touch of a magazine that you’re reading to try and distract yourself while your palms drip with sweat, the sight of various ages all shifting ready for the appointment. I hate it all, I hate hate hate it all. But either way, I was here, in the room now, ready to have a 3 inch needle be shoved into my ass and I couldn’t do anything about it.

After the injection I walked outside and mum and I waited for my Dad to come and pick us up after he’d gone and got petrol, it felt like he’d taken hours and I must’ve passed out because I hardly remember a thing. All I remember is not being able to see and my ears blocking out noises..the usual signs I have before I faint, I screamed to my mum and this is all I remember of the drive home. Now I didn’t faint due to the pain of the injection but rather due to the amount of anxiety I had built up over the 48 hours of all this kaffaffle..the adrenaline all hit me at once and eventually caused me to pass out. Which was awful.

Today, in recovery mode, I brought my duvet downstairs and snuggled up all day, drifting in and out of naps and I am so relieved to say I feel much better now, and I hope the ache on my bum continues to get less and less until it disappears, especially as I have prom on Friday!

This wasn’t based on a particular topic instead just my awful day and I don’t know how my readers will respond to this but I needed to get it out. If you want more off topic discussions based on my problems during days then please let me know in the comments or email me – absbh101@gmail.com.

Thankyou!

Abigail J

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