Posted in Uncategorized

The Update you all need/deserve..

Hola (take fourty-one) Amigos!

First of all, I’ve had so much feedback already from my last post, so thank-you. I’m slightly overwhelmed; I did not expect people to still be following me, let alone interested in what I was saying. So, thank-you, I’m so unbelievably grateful.

There’s a lot of things I want to say, a lot of topics I want to write about, but I guess it’s only fair that this one is an update. After all, in 2 years a hell of a lot has changed!

One thing I noticed was that my second latest post was written after I lost my dog. When I finally posted again this morning, amidst a break down. I took note of the date. 05.03 – Murphy’s birthday, he would have been 15! I feel like it’s almost a sign that he’s still with me. It’s crazy how I can still miss him so much, as us with PDA know it’s easy to get obsessions, it’s clear to me now for a long 13 years my obsession was him. No one could make me happier. He consoled me in a way no human could ever understand and it still feels like half my heart has gone. We’ve got another Labrador now, a golden one called Sullivan, he’s now 2 and the cheekiest pup I’ve ever known. I love him to bits but there’s a special place in my heart for Murph and the rest of the shattered bits seem to be glued up with memories of him.

Another thing is an update on my life, in general. I posted how I got into Uni, however, I never officially said that I went. I have infact made it. September 2018, I packed my bags and moved out of my home, into a place I didn’t know with people I didn’t know! This is huuuuuge – not just for PDA’ers but absolutely anyone. That first night I cried and cried and cried, wanting to pack my bags back up and return to the safety of my own home. However, after many months of going back home during the weekend, I started to settle in. It was a constant battle but if I hadn’t stayed at uni and deferred a year, I knew I’d never have stepped foot in education again. It’s unbelievable now, but this little city of Lincoln is my home away from home. I sit here typing this up with my flatmate opposite me in our own little apartment. Trust me, when I say life has one hell of a weird way of working out. I don’t want to mistake you, and say it’s all butterflies and rainbows, it really isn’t. I just had half term and I was dreading coming back, thoughts of dropping out came into my head. But, if it’s one thing I owe my Mum (I owe her a lot), I’m no quitter! I’m over half way through this uni experience and the end is in light. Also, terrifying though – starting my dissertation brings anxiety bubbling over and it’s scary to think of life after uni now. But, at the moment, uni is chugging along nicely and my English and creative writing course doesn’t seem to be a regret – I say this now, before I start my dissertation, haha!

I also know it’s important to update you on the job front. As we all remember my anxiety to get an interview and then getting the job and quitting before I even started! April 2019 I started a job at All Bar One, with my sister working there I had a security blanket. I was meant to just be a glass collector but one thing led to another and I seemed to be doing as much as everyone else. I’ve made some amazing friends and it’s here I met my boyfriend. I, since quit, in January as I want an easier schedule over summer in regards to a job. I’m going to be starting my dissertation and working until 2am isn’t what I need. So there’s that. Another massive achievement, who’d have thought it?!

Update on the relationship, if you saw my usual rant last night I’m going backwards and seem to be stuck in a rut. I love him to pieces and I know it’s not the end of us but I really could still do with some advice on how to stop PDA getting on top of me during relationships. I’m not naive to the fact my young age is also a player in the problems but I know it’s mostly me going through a down phase and with high anxiety, therefore my PDA is boiling over. All will be fine, I know it will be. Sometimes, it takes a while to prove it to yourself though.

Anyway, these are the basic updates I guess. Other than, I’m now 19 and July is coming ever close which means I’m coming to the end of my teens! I was 15 when I first wrote my blog, how crazy! I’ll be back very soon with certain topics that I know I want to discuss, but you all deserve to know where I’m at now, so I guess that’s it.

As always, thank you and if you got this far I’m immensely amazed! My email is always open – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com – feel free to message me at any point, with advice, questions, or topics you’d want me to write on. Please also send this blog around for anyone it could help, as always if I help one person then my job here is achieved.

Thank you,

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in Uncategorized

I lost my best friend..

Hola (take thirty-nine) Amigos!

I’ve been trying to write this specific blog post for 9 very long weeks but in all honesty I’m still struggling to find the words. On the 29th April, I lost my best friend, my wee doggo. I’ve never felt an emptiness in my heart like I have since his heart beat for the very last time. It’s so tricky to explain but when he’s been around since I was just 4 (I’m now nearly 18) I’ve never known any different. After all these weeks I still expect him to come running up to me when I come through the front door. I still expect to have his hair all over my leggings. I still expect to hear his collar jingle. I still expect to hear his paws on the wooden flooring. I still expect to hear him panting. But mostly, I still expect to have my best friend here whenever I need him.

They always say it gets easier with time but currently every day is breaking my heart more..I ache to be able to stroke him one last time. The grief I’ve felt since he passed is a whole new level. There’s a constant dark cloud hanging over me knowing he isn’t here and never will be again. Today was particularly hard as we were looking through old photos and he’s in every single one snooping in the back ground, how I wish he could still do this now. Home is just not home anymore and I know it’ll never be the same. No doggo will ever replace the wee rascal that never even barked.

My heart broke as you breathed for the last time and the vet said you’d gone, nothing has and nothing will be able to put back the shattered parts that went with you that day. The tears are still with me that came when they picked you up and you were floppy, lifeless. However, I know you’re the brightest star in the sky now and that’s what matters.

There’ll always be a special place in my heart for you my gorgeous baby boy. I wish words could do justice to how amazing you were. If I could go back to being young and playing catch with you I’d go there in an instant. I thank my lucky stars that you were able to be my families because you were so perfect, gentle and compassionate. I’m so grateful for the 13 years I had with you. I hope you know how missed and loved you are because I’m broken hearted down here. Keep a space up there warm for me for when I can come and give you all them cuddles you’ve missed out on. I love you and I always always will. Just know that if love could’ve kept you alive you’d have been with us forever. Sleep tight my guardian angel x

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update, Uncategorized

Easter and a very low gal..

Hola (take thirty-six) Amigos!

As usual, I’m going to start this blog how I start every other – sorry for the lack of updates! Life’s really getting on top of me at the moment, and I’m at a proper low point. So here’s a nice rant for you all to enjoy!

So 3 weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up after over a year together, it’s been really tough on me. Originally, it was my idea but as usual it was a rash decision and when I went to see if we could work out he didn’t want me anymore. It’s been so horrible as my self confidence is always low but when someone you really want looks you in the eyes and says they don’t want you anymore it really bloody hurts. I’ve been struggling with the change of routine more than most people would, I’m trying to readjust to being at home most nights or making plans with others. It’s weird not to be round his every weekend and most weekdays but it always takes getting used to no matter what and I understand that. However, the worst thing about it all is that it’s turned my mental health into complete chaos and if I’m truly honest I haven’t felt this down in a very long time.

There’s been nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, nights I’ve drove and drove and drove. I’ve been in such a low place that at times I’ve considered if the world would be a better place without me. My whole happiness has been snatched away and it’s left me with a very dark cloud hovering above me and I’m losing the will to try and get it to go away. I’ve lost most of my motivation for school work and found myself not going in much at all. I’ve lost the excitement of going to university and I’m starting to think maybe it’s best I stay at home. In all honesty, it’s just been an awful couple of weeks and I’m trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes though you have to shine your own light and I guess this is one of those times.

I have every hope I’ll find my own happiness again soon enough but I hope it comes in the next week or so as I’m struggling with this weight on my shoulders. It’s all too much stress. The problem with PDA is that you get obsessions with things or people, mine just so happens to be people and my boyfriends end up being the obsession. They don’t know this of course, when we’re going out I’m no different in that aspect to anyone else. However, it’s the aftermath that hits me harder than most. I find myself struggling to find a reason to live and with a new goal to find my happiness in someone else. But I did that last time and I’ve ended up even worse than I was after my last break up so I’m not doing that this time. This is the first time I’ve been on my own for a long period of time (for about 2.5 years) and I’m fully aware it’s now time to find the happiness in myself, no matter how hard it seems.

So for anyone else in a really dark place, struggling to find the positives, I promise you you’re not alone. There’s much better times coming, make sure you’re around to see them. You’ve impacted more lives than you’ll ever know. When you’re in such a down phase it’s easy to dismiss the people that love you, to feel like the world would be a much better place without you around but I can assure you that’s not the case. Everyday you make an impact on people’s lives that you wouldn’t even know; the people at home who are comforted just by your presence, your close friends that do nothing but laugh with you when you’re around, your pet who runs up to you as soon as they sense your sad, the distant family members who’ve recently liked your facebook posts, the bus driver who sees you every morning on your way to school, the local shop worker who always scans through your favourite chocolate bar, even the person you walked past in the street last night. ALL these people have been impacted by your presence and would feel deep sadness if they didn’t see you most days. Your life is worth living, the future brings so much happiness so please make sure you’re around to see it happen.

As always, I’m an email away and I reply much faster on there than I’m active on here! – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com

Thank you so much for reading if you do get the far – it’s been very ramble-y!

Also, Happy Easter – eat all your chocolate and worry about the weight after, you’re all beautiful!

Much love to you all

Abigail J

X X X

Posted in Autsim, Uncategorized

I got myself a job..

Hola (take twenty-three) Amigos!

So, I guess I need to update you because surprisingly it’s been about 3 weeks and for once in my life and exciting things have happened.

Sixth form..not a lot to say, don’t dislike it, don’t like it but it’s slowly bringing back my independence. It started off bad as they dropped the ‘health and social’ option which is one I was really excited for but now I only do 3 subjects instead of 4 and it gives me 20 hours of frees a fortnight so it’s worked in my favour, now I’ve got crap loads of work the extra frees are serving me good and I don’t really have to do any work at home. Psychology I am really enjoying and finding everything so interesting and believe it or not all my teachers are okay! The only thing I’ve hated so far is the dress code, girls have been sent home left, right and centre for their skirt..right you think thats bad, let me mention the ones sent home because ‘their bra strap is visible’ ‘there’s too much shoulder on show’ ‘legs should be covered with tights’ ‘there’s too much skin appearing’ this has genuinely made me grit my teeth at times, I’ve been told off on several occasions for stupid remarks like this and the sexualising of girls clothes right now is driving me insane. Shoulders aren’t turning anyone on, not distracting any learning, or even making a boy look your way..but you telling me to go home and get changed while screaming at me and embarrassing me infront of my whole year isn’t distracting anyone? Really, this is another argument for a different day and possibly even a different blog so I’m going to leave it at this, but the teachers want to thank their lucky stars that no ones sent me home yet because God only knows who’s going to stop my mum screaming.

Anyway, onwards and upwards hey! First things first (or by now second things second) I’VE ONLY GONE AND GOT MYSELF A JOB! That one I applied for the other week asked me for an interview the following day and phoned me two days later to offer me the job, I start Sunday! The interview wasn’t as scary as films and that make out, the first one isn’t that bad at all..not even for me and I’m so shy! The two girls interviewing me were lovely and I answered each question fast and confidently, it was so good to know I’d achieved something, even if I didn’t get the job I would’ve been proud enough that I tried, and then I got it! However good it felt at the start the sooner Sunday 18th comes the more scared I get, but all I have to do is deep breaths and focus on the task infront. It’s training on the shop floor to begin with and I’m more nervous that I’ll take ages and customers will get annoyed, but everyone has to start somewhere, right?! So hopefully all will be okay in that department.

Another major thing that I’ve recently heard, unsure if it’s rumours but it was done by a specialist so unsure if it would be?! They’re trying to stop the diagnosis of PDA. I know, it makes you sick because for those of you who don’t know PDA isn’t like any other Autism, just as Asperges isn’t the same as ADHD, no two diagnoses are the same and no two people are the same. I’m honestly pretty much speechless about it at the moment because I just don’t know what to say, you can’t get rid of an autism just by removing the label, just as you can’t get rid of cancer by removing the name. PDA won’t just disappear because they stop diagnosing people with it, it’s just going to make the already existing fight for help even harder. They won’t be able to class those with PDA as those with ‘Asperges’ or any other diagnosis, it’s here for a reason..you can’t just decide it doesn’t belong or exist anymore. If they get rid of the name, they’ll have to make another one and that’s going to have to be introduced and understood. Just seems like such havoc for nothing.

Got many lovely comments the past few weeks so thank you, honestly means the world. You know the drill by now – absbh101@gmail.com.

Thank you,

Abigail J

x x x