Achieving big things..

Hola (take fourth-four) Amigos!

I have some big, crazy news…but, I must update you all on little things first.

1) My dissertation is now well underway and going really good (I think) so I want to start off by saying a massive thank you to everyone that emailed me, commented on the PDA society forum & commented here, I’m honestly not sure it would be going anywhere near as well as it is without all of you! It’s been a massive help to me. I’ve also changed the character, I was originally going to do a young boy, about 8 but have changed him to more like 14…I got much more feedback for this age group and I felt I was able to dig into his head more. He’s becoming a character I hold extremely close to my heart.

2) Christmas? COVID? How is everyone finding it? What a stressful, horrible situation we all live in at the moment. I really pray all of you are keeping as sane as you can. It’s so hard not to go into a deep depressive stage which I’ve found myself slipping into a lot; please just know you have every right to be upset and annoyed and let yourself feel those feelings; you’re well within your right too. Having said that, I hope you all have a good Christmas, and if you’re struggling with that..I hope you just have a normal day with lots of food. I’m always there for a chat in my email – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com

3) Are you ready for my big news???? I’ve got an offer to do my Masters in Creative Writing at the university of Lincoln (where I am currently doing my BA.) If I’m honest, I’m beyond proud of myself. It takes a lot for me to feel proud of myself, if I didn’t have 100% I never felt the proudness that other people felt of me. But the day I got my offer through I was over the moon. I now need a 2:1 to confirm my space which I’m praying that I achieve.

From the girl who hid under tables in nursery, got violent with her mum when it came to taking her to primary, begged to be homeschooled in secondary and truly hated sixth form..I’m now going on to do my MA! Miracles can happen, anything can happen. Please push towards your dreams. I cannot wait to see my name on book shelves when I create my first piece of work..(I’m hoping my dissertation will be a published piece when all the grading is out of the way! I don’t think there’d be a better start to my author career than explaining how my head works, albeit through a fictional character).

Again, as always, I’m here over email at any point.

Thank you & speak soon,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, 2021 can only get better, right?

Abigail J

X X X

I lost my best friend..

Hola (take thirty-nine) Amigos!

I’ve been trying to write this specific blog post for 9 very long weeks but in all honesty I’m still struggling to find the words. On the 29th April, I lost my best friend, my wee doggo. I’ve never felt an emptiness in my heart like I have since his heart beat for the very last time. It’s so tricky to explain but when he’s been around since I was just 4 (I’m now nearly 18) I’ve never known any different. After all these weeks I still expect him to come running up to me when I come through the front door. I still expect to have his hair all over my leggings. I still expect to hear his collar jingle. I still expect to hear his paws on the wooden flooring. I still expect to hear him panting. But mostly, I still expect to have my best friend here whenever I need him.

They always say it gets easier with time but currently every day is breaking my heart more..I ache to be able to stroke him one last time. The grief I’ve felt since he passed is a whole new level. There’s a constant dark cloud hanging over me knowing he isn’t here and never will be again. Today was particularly hard as we were looking through old photos and he’s in every single one snooping in the back ground, how I wish he could still do this now. Home is just not home anymore and I know it’ll never be the same. No doggo will ever replace the wee rascal that never even barked.

My heart broke as you breathed for the last time and the vet said you’d gone, nothing has and nothing will be able to put back the shattered parts that went with you that day. The tears are still with me that came when they picked you up and you were floppy, lifeless. However, I know you’re the brightest star in the sky now and that’s what matters.

There’ll always be a special place in my heart for you my gorgeous baby boy. I wish words could do justice to how amazing you were. If I could go back to being young and playing catch with you I’d go there in an instant. I thank my lucky stars that you were able to be my families because you were so perfect, gentle and compassionate. I’m so grateful for the 13 years I had with you. I hope you know how missed and loved you are because I’m broken hearted down here. Keep a space up there warm for me for when I can come and give you all them cuddles you’ve missed out on. I love you and I always always will. Just know that if love could’ve kept you alive you’d have been with us forever. Sleep tight my guardian angel x

Abigail J

X X X

I USED to have a phobia..

Hola (take thirty-eight) Amigos!

This is a subject I haven’t spoken about before on this blog but I feel like now is as good a time as ever. From the age of about 7 to the age of 15 I battled a serious phobia of rain. It seems pathetic and laughable now, for years I couldn’t get my head around it, CAMHS never overly helped me get over this phobia instead just taught me relaxation techniques and gave me risperidone to hide the anxiety I actually experienced every time a dark cloud came over where I was. With a blog about this I guess the best way to start is at the beginning so here goes..

I know now that this phobia stemmed from my mum being taken into hospital for a serious illness with her heart when I was only 6. When the ambulance came the weather was a usual miserable and dark January day. This became what I focused on when my mum was taken away from me for 8 very long weeks. I have always been close with my Mum, since I was a baby it’s always been her that’s my rock and every scary hospital appointment I had she would be the one by my side. To have that suddenly taken away from me was traumatic and would’ve been for anyone – even more so when I had attachment disorder to her. The easiest thing to blame in my mind was the weather, this escalated until I had a major phobia of the rain, and I don’t use the word phobia lightly – my pet hate now is the word phobia being used wrongly. For 8 very long years of my life, everytime it rained or it was slightly dark outside the emotions I felt as a 6 year old whose Mother was likely to die would fill me.

It took over my life, at every CAMHS meeting I would lie and pretend I was okay, rating my excruciating fear as only a 4/10 when really it was easily a 9 if not a 10. The arguments I used to have with my mum who would stress to me not to sugar coat it because I really did need help was unbelievable. I had one psychiatrist that helped me for several years, coming to my house to teach me relaxation techniques and i’d slowly get better, but once she left CAMHS I hit an all time low. This phobia took over my life, living in England, rain is not something you can avoid easily and my school attendance as well as my social life really did plummet. Eventually, I got to an age (15) where I wanted to stop letting this one petty thing control me and I was determined to go through whatever I needed to do to get rid of this phobia. I had meetings with a woman who came to me at school weekly and after 6 months of sessions with her I finally felt ready to fight this battle on my own. I’m still convinced I owe it to her but she used to drill into me that it was me who overcame this fear on my own and she only provided me with the tools needed to do so. To this day I feel like I owe her my life as she really did completely change it but I know it was my determinism that got me past this phobia which controlled every aspect of my life.

The reason I thought about writing this blog was because today I was driving on my way home and the rain was pouring down, for the first time in a long while I tried to remember what it was like to be filled with anxiety while water came from the sky. Now, it’s almost impossible to remember the life I had with a rain phobia, one that was controlled by an emotion of being purely terrified. There is simply no other word to use which would explain the way I felt, I was consumed by the emotion of being terrified, even on sunny days I was worried about the next time the rain would fall. I was the only child to have their most used app as the weather forecast. To anyone who has a serious phobia then I understand, the most important thing to remember though is that the emotion you feel about your phobic is not due to that, it’s due to what you associated with it. It’s important to separate these two things and to admit to yourself why you feel like you do. It means talking about a traumatic experience in your life but I assure you it’s worth it. Separating your emotions and your phobic stimulus is a key factor in overcoming your phobia and I wish I’d learnt that in CAMHS, long before the mentor I had through school.

A few years ago my biggest want in life was the Speakmans (if you’ve heard of them you know they’re amazing at helping people overcome their phobias) to reply to my countless emails asking for help. Now, my aims in life include being a successful author and having a family of my own one day..if this isn’t proof life gets better then I simply don’t know what is. We all have the strength to overcome the demons we give ourselves. The brain is a very scary place when it leaves you challenging whether life really is worth it but I promise you it is. Mental health problems are not something to fear, if you need help I beg you to talk to someone.

I’m only ever an email away – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com

Thank you,

Abigail J

X X X

Easter and a very low gal..

Hola (take thirty-six) Amigos!

As usual, I’m going to start this blog how I start every other – sorry for the lack of updates! Life’s really getting on top of me at the moment, and I’m at a proper low point. So here’s a nice rant for you all to enjoy!

So 3 weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up after over a year together, it’s been really tough on me. Originally, it was my idea but as usual it was a rash decision and when I went to see if we could work out he didn’t want me anymore. It’s been so horrible as my self confidence is always low but when someone you really want looks you in the eyes and says they don’t want you anymore it really bloody hurts. I’ve been struggling with the change of routine more than most people would, I’m trying to readjust to being at home most nights or making plans with others. It’s weird not to be round his every weekend and most weekdays but it always takes getting used to no matter what and I understand that. However, the worst thing about it all is that it’s turned my mental health into complete chaos and if I’m truly honest I haven’t felt this down in a very long time.

There’s been nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, nights I’ve drove and drove and drove. I’ve been in such a low place that at times I’ve considered if the world would be a better place without me. My whole happiness has been snatched away and it’s left me with a very dark cloud hovering above me and I’m losing the will to try and get it to go away. I’ve lost most of my motivation for school work and found myself not going in much at all. I’ve lost the excitement of going to university and I’m starting to think maybe it’s best I stay at home. In all honesty, it’s just been an awful couple of weeks and I’m trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes though you have to shine your own light and I guess this is one of those times.

I have every hope I’ll find my own happiness again soon enough but I hope it comes in the next week or so as I’m struggling with this weight on my shoulders. It’s all too much stress. The problem with PDA is that you get obsessions with things or people, mine just so happens to be people and my boyfriends end up being the obsession. They don’t know this of course, when we’re going out I’m no different in that aspect to anyone else. However, it’s the aftermath that hits me harder than most. I find myself struggling to find a reason to live and with a new goal to find my happiness in someone else. But I did that last time and I’ve ended up even worse than I was after my last break up so I’m not doing that this time. This is the first time I’ve been on my own for a long period of time (for about 2.5 years) and I’m fully aware it’s now time to find the happiness in myself, no matter how hard it seems.

So for anyone else in a really dark place, struggling to find the positives, I promise you you’re not alone. There’s much better times coming, make sure you’re around to see them. You’ve impacted more lives than you’ll ever know. When you’re in such a down phase it’s easy to dismiss the people that love you, to feel like the world would be a much better place without you around but I can assure you that’s not the case. Everyday you make an impact on people’s lives that you wouldn’t even know; the people at home who are comforted just by your presence, your close friends that do nothing but laugh with you when you’re around, your pet who runs up to you as soon as they sense your sad, the distant family members who’ve recently liked your facebook posts, the bus driver who sees you every morning on your way to school, the local shop worker who always scans through your favourite chocolate bar, even the person you walked past in the street last night. ALL these people have been impacted by your presence and would feel deep sadness if they didn’t see you most days. Your life is worth living, the future brings so much happiness so please make sure you’re around to see it happen.

As always, I’m an email away and I reply much faster on there than I’m active on here! – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com

Thank you so much for reading if you do get the far – it’s been very ramble-y!

Also, Happy Easter – eat all your chocolate and worry about the weight after, you’re all beautiful!

Much love to you all

Abigail J

X X X

DRIVING..

Hola (take thirty-five) Amigos!

I will get back to my proper blogging in the very near future! But for now I wanted you all to know that just under 2 weeks ago I passed my driving test! I only turned 17 in July and now I’m driving around, I’m very proud!

So for everyone with PDA or any type of autism that is petrified of their driving test, as scary as it seems it is okay and you will be fine! As I’m someone who refuses all demands (obviously due to my diagnosis) and I still passed first time, anyone can!

Thank you

Always feel free to email me still – Abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com as I always keep on top of them, I’m only rubbish with my blog!!

Abigail J

X X X

I GOT IN..

Hola (take thirty-four) Amigos!

Just a quick one to share my glee with you lot! I GOT AN UNCONDITIONAL OFFER FROM LINCOLN YESTERDAY! I’m in the uni no matter how bad I do in my A levels now and it’s so nice to have the weight off my shoulder.

I’ll catch up soon, love you all.

Thank you,

Abigail J

X X X

PDA V Relationships&General Chitchat..

Hola (take thirty-three) Amigos!
Again, in true me style, I’m sorry for lack of update but I found myself just laying on my bed crying and the first place I thought to turn was here, so imma get straight to it.

Does anyone else with PDA struggle with relationships? As in romantic relationships?
Because, oh heck, I do. I did before in my previous relationship and I never knew if it was just because we didn’t work out, but it’s becoming the same in my relationship now. And to tell you the honest truth..it sucks so bad. I hate it. I have a couple of months where everything’s perfect – the obsession that comes with PDA suddenly clings onto my boyfriend, it’s him I want to be with 24/7, and then suddenly, literally out of nowhere it just takes a massive U turn. I find myself questioning the relationship altogether, questions like – ‘is it worth the stress?’ ‘will we even last?’ ‘are we meant to be?’ and statements like – ‘this is pointless’ ‘I want to be single’ and emotions including isolation, negativity and feeling trapped all go whirling round my head and I just can’t get out of it. I try to stop and see the positive sides but this negativity hangs over me like a storm cloud ready to burst.
Today is one of them days, I want out of the relationship but I also know I’d regret that fully. It’s one of the worst things that affect me with PDA, I go from obsessing over this one guy, from him being my everything to wanting to leave him and escape. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive to the fact that a phase like this goes on in ‘normal’ relationships but I’m also not stupid enough to think it goes to the same extent. I’ve come to the conclusion that the demands of a relationship sometimes do just get waaaayyy too much, and I need to realise that’s okay. Before doing something I would regret in the nearby future, I’ve asked my boyfriend for just some space, some space for me to just regain that self esteem and to have a blank slate on demands of relationships. To which, I think he understands, only time will tell.
The down phases always come, still today, it’s part of my depression, PDA and anxiety so I know they’ll be around forever, but in the winter it gets so much worse when my SAD kicks in, the initial changing over from seasons is a real struggle and I guess this is what this all is about really, which is what I have to remember before making any rash decisions that just suit me now, rather than in the very near future. However, it’s really, bloody hard. I find myself battling my brain for a week or more just trying to do daily actions. I come home from school, get straight in my PJS and sleep. The demands are like hot water boiling over a pan on the hob, and I have to find a relief, which normally would be spending time with my boyfriend…but not right now eh haha.

So, instead, I’ve got to find my own way and maybe that’s writing. (I’ve recently started writing notes down to a plot of a book I wanna write one day)
So I was just wondering if anyone else with PDA has them down phases with relationships while they struggle with the demands faced to them? If so, please get in touch – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com – knowing people have the same problems would give me a heck of reassurance.

Sometimes we all have down phases..and thats okay..it’s the coming back out of it that’s important.

In other news, my Mum knows about my blog! It’s something I’ve always kept completely secret from everyone except for one very close friend and a councillor that once saw me and came up with the idea of starting a blog. I wish I could say I’d got the guts and told her but that’d be a lie, I have no idea how she knows! Mother, if you’re reading this now, I know it’s not just Mother instincts that made you find out I had a blog 😉 It actually is a funny story on how I found out she knew; I was at a University open day and we’d just come out of a Creative&Professional writing talk, and the lecturer had just mentioned that blogs were an important running system throughout. Afterwards, when sat in the canteen, Mum mentioned how a blog would be a good idea and I sneaked in ‘I’ve got a blog you know’ (so give me some credit, I mean I did think I was telling her!) to which she went ‘I know’, I’m still waiting to know how mind. But she’s taken it really well and there’s no pressure from her which I appreciate, if anything she reminds me to keep on top of it, although I’m still useless at it!<<

so, on the being 17 front – I’ve started driving! Is anyone else with PDA going to admit how hard that is? The demands are sending me crazzzaaayy! But, I’ve got my own little car – a Hyundai i10, which I love! – and my Dads taking me out at the moment, and he has been since the last weekend in August. The actual driving, I think I’ve got now, same with clutch control, but no chance on the manoeuvres! I was waiting to hear back from a guy that did driving lessons for those with special needs and I’d heard great reviews but he never got back to me after a month of voicemails being left by both me and my Mum, so I had to give up on him, which is a shame, as he himself had Asperges so he could’ve understood that bit more than most. However, I’ve recently messaged a ‘normal’ instructor and am now waiting to hear back what day he can do, I’ll let you know how it goes! I’m very nervous though, it’s one thing Dad shouting at me to ‘TURN SHARPER’ ‘SLOW DOWN’ but I don’t know how I’ll deal with a complete stranger. I guess the main benefit is atleast I can actually drive, but now I just want to pass!<<

School, so far so…okay?, Lessons are going fine and I’m in full prep to sit my A levels in June but crikey it’s a lot of work and revision between now and then and I need BBC to get to my dream University so got to keep my head down. I also got my English Literature AS remarked and went up to a C – going up by 7 marks! I’ve just finished off my UCAS, which was crazy! I’m too young for this, what happened to little Abbi who stayed hidden under school tables in nursery and cried, begging my Mum to take me home?! Personal Statements are truly the hardest things to write, I’m sure J.K Rowling had it easier writing Harry Potter. I’ve not got enough confidence as it is, let alone when you’ve got to big yourself up on a bit of paper, I think I’ve finally finished it now though which is a relief. On the friend front, not so good, don’t trust any of them and can’t imagine I’ll be talking to them when I leave school but for now they’ll do.<<
So to anyone else with PDA struggling in education or to any parents forcing their children to get into school – YOU CAN DO IT!

My Mum never thought she’d see the day where I was in main stream school, let alone now applying to Universities. We’ve come a long, long way and I couldn’t have done it without her pushing me to it. (Promise I’m not just saying that now she knows my blog exists. I’d be more than lost without my dearest Motherbear<3)

Anywayyyy, enough rambling for one day – feel free to email me as always, I love to help!<3<
Thank you<
Abigail J

x x x

Moany update..

Hola (take thirty-two) Amigos!

Been a bit of a tough week – so many friends have turned out to be very sly and yet again my ex has sent nasty messages to which I’ve ignored. My sister sent a few fb messages in retaliation though, can’t say I blame her, I’m fed up of being treated like crap by him when I haven’t even done anything wrong. All my ‘friends’ seem to have sided with him too which makes it all 100x worse.

I’ve got a few hard things coming up, first off results day on Thursday – however, I’m not nervous for..as of yet anyway. If you get below DDD you don’t make it into next year. You’d think I’d be nervous, I need to get into next year to get good A levels and then eventually to go on my own adventure at University. However, these arguments with my friends have made me secretly hope I don’t get in if it means I don’t have to face all the drama they bring me. It’s disgusting how they’ve isolated me when none of them can even justify one thing I’ve actually done wrong to deserve it. I’ve got plenty of friends, from year 8 onwards I never did struggle with my friendship group that much. But now I am, I really am – atleast in school anyway. I’ve got plenty of friends but they’re all elsewhere now. Some have just gone off to uni this year while others just happen to go to seperate schools which really does suck. It’s gunna be a struggle to go back to a place which always seems like hell due to the crazy amount of demands but now it’s going to be even worse – I’ve got to face it with very few friends by my side. But it does mean I can fully focus on my A levels which only can turn out in my favour right?!

Second of all – I’ve got Reading festival. Thursday until Monday of next week – yano what that means? Busy and new places, very loud music and a whole lot of camping. I was excited for the social aspect of it but as previously explained those friends I am not so close with now. I’ve still got my boyfriend and some other friendship group whom I’m going to be with but it’s so crap how it’s all been ruined for no actual reason on my behalf. There’s also a party this Saturday coming which of course all my friends have been invited to, except me so that feels a bit crap. But onwards and upwards? I’ll let you know how Reading goes – it’s a massive step for me and my independence.

On the good side – I’ve just booked a holiday in Spain for October with my boyfriend as his dad lives out there so we’ll stay with him. Should be amazing! I’m very excited to get some sun.

As always email me on abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com for any advice or just a chat etc.

Hopefully my next blog will be more positive or atleast something useful for you lovely readers and not just moaning. But you have to know the goods and the bads right?!

Thank you!

Abigail J

X X X

Failing relationships…

Hola (take thirty-one) Amigos!

Don’t worry!! Me and my boyfriend are okay!!

After a load of crap I’ve been dealing with by friends I felt it was only right to post a blog on it. Writing helps me relieve the stress so yous lot just have to put up with it! Would you prefer a spam or no post at all?

It’s a tough one. A really tough one. Being friends while struggling with PDA. Or any type of autism for that matter. Friendship isn’t easy, not at the best of times for the most ‘normal’ people. It means constantly compromising, it means making other people happy and sometimes it even means arguing. However, arguing shows you care – it’s horrible, excruciating and aggravating but it’s a normal aspect of life. It’s important, it’s necessary to fight for those you love. As clichè as it is and as much as you hear it, people argue because they’re fighting for each other, not against each other. Sometimes those arguments seem the worst ever but forgiveness is always an option.

I’ve been distancing myself from friends for what seems like forever, it’s those times when bad things happen elsewhere and you feel the need to be alone. It’s been like that a while for me. I’ve been struggling with other things on my mind so I’ve been separating myself from friends and the drama that comes with most girls at the age of 17. However, it all came backfiring to me last week, when my ex sent a horrid text saying how I was losing everyone. I knew what he was saying was right but I wasn’t going to admit that, he was only saying it out of spite anyway. Truth be told, the only reason I’ve been drifting from them is down to him. Being in the same friendship group as your ex is not enjoyable, let me tell you. The demands of trying to stay civil while not being too friendly is not nice. My friends seem to be getting off with him left, right and centre and it’s not nice to see whether or not you’re fully over them, especially when they’re your so called ‘friends’. So, my ex put me into WW3 as I asked all my friends what was up and if we were okay (to which I learned only 2 were annoyed) and then he decided not to message me back, to say to other mutual friends of mine and his that he wasn’t getting involved. Nothing like dropping your ex into arguments and then pi**ing off elsewhere is there!

However, today brought forgiveness. It brought me a new frame of mine. I apologised to one of my friends for my actions and explained I was only isolating myself (Whether I think she did wrong or not I didn’t mention). Sometimes I think forgiving and forgetting is the best possible option. I know if I stick to my usual stubborn self I’m only going to regret my decisions in the long run..when I go to Reading festival with both my ex and our friendship group and when we go back to school. It’s something I need to do so it’s not playing on the back of my mind all summer.

I can’t stress enough how tricky any relationships are to keep when you have PDA. The demands are tough and never ending but sometimes tricky friendships make everything so much worse. Being demanded to be friendly non stop at school is another barrier for us – one that many don’t even spare a second thought to. I just need to stress that it’s okay to find them difficult, it’s completely normal to everyone, even more so to those with autism. Sometimes it seems the best option to keep to your stubborn guts during the argument but it’s also important to remember the benefits forgiving and forgetting will give you in the long run. I’m not saying don’t stick up for yourself because that’s vitally important and a trait that’ll be so useful over time. However, sometimes you have to prioritise your battles and when you’re battling against the demands everyday, you can’t afford a separate fight.

Please remember – relationships and friendships that are supposed to be…will be.

Sorry about the rambling post. I needed it off my chest.

Thank you – email me abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com for absolutely anything!

Abigail J

X X X

PDA’ers Anxiety..

Hola (take twenty – six) Amigos!

I’ve had a lot of blog posts whirling round my mind recently and I’m not too sure why..so far these resolutions are working perfectly though as I’m sticking with my blog and even if I’m not posting everyday I’m replying to individual emails and thinking of new ideas. Another new years resolution was for me to not bite my nails and I also haven’t done that since last year (although only 16 days ago this is still a very proud time for me) So as I’m typing this up I’ve got freshly painted nails and I’m feeling on top of my life, for now, atleast.

I guess one thing I wanted to touch upon was the idea of teachers and their perspectives of PDA. Many believe that there’s an extreme avoidance of demands due to the desire to be in control of a situation, don’t get me wrong all PDA’ers beg to be in control of anything they’re put into but it’s not quite as simple as that. My teachers in primary school were always made aware of my PDA and because of this they’d but me as ‘team leader’ in group tasks thinking they were helping me out but infact it turned out quite the opposite for me – I hated it. As much as we want to be in control of our own situation it doesn’t mean that we all want to control everyone else around us. I know the severity of controlling others comes across differently in each different case – as does everything else – but it’s not always as common as one might seize to believe.

Since I remember I’ve craved to be ‘normal’ to be hidden at the back of the room when everyone else desires to be in the centre. I’ve kept the anxiety building up all day just to come home and cry myself to sleep – my best way of relief. I’ve never made a show of myself anywhere but inside my home because judgement is my biggest worry. The thing with PDA is it very much goes one of two ways – you either crave to be the centre of attention or to be in the back where no one notices you; it’s always black or white, it’s never grey for us. It’s always an obsession or we’re not interested.

On that note, so many times parents have got in touch with me and we’ve spoken about how their child fought with their life for something to then get it and not seem the least bit bothered. It’s so easy for us to get an obsession, to want a certain something with all we’ve got to then get it and be bored. I think for PDA’ers it’s the determinism that keeps us fighting everyday, it’s the battle that goes on between our minds and our hearts. We don’t want to face any demand yet we do, every single day because what other choice do we have? I think it’s vitally important that we fight for whatever we want, even if we give it all up after.

The determinism inside us gives us the strength that others don’t necessarily have because when you’re battling and fighting with the brain that controls you everyday why do you want to be in control? why do you not want to be in control? That’s where we differ; some of us want to get rid of this sudden possession of control when it’s given to us because we’ve never had it and some of us want it so bad just to get a taste of what it’s like to have that control placed in our hands.

And I really do believe at the end of the day that is where every single person with PDA mostly differs, it’s the complete ignorance of power or it’s the everlasting wanting for it. Is it the anxiety that makes us want to be able to control the PDA or is it the PDA that begs for us to control our anxiety. Either way we are all fighting for a release from a brain which constantly argues with simple everyday tasks. Many teachers, social workers, psychiatrists etc all believe that our want for controlling demands is because we like the feeling of being in charge, but perhaps we just like the idea of the anxiety leaving us for a while we focus on other tasks.

Because does anxiety trigger the worse days of our demand avoidance or does demand avoidance down days trigger the worst anxiety?

Thankyou – abigailbrookshalling@gmail.com (you know the drill by now)

Abigail J

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