Posted in Daily update


Hola (take thirty-five) Amigos!

I will get back to my proper blogging in the very near future! But for now I wanted you all to know that just under 2 weeks ago I passed my driving test! I only turned 17 in July and now I’m driving around, I’m very proud!

So for everyone with PDA or any type of autism that is petrified of their driving test, as scary as it seems it is okay and you will be fine! As I’m someone who refuses all demands (obviously due to my diagnosis) and I still passed first time, anyone can!

Thank you

Always feel free to email me still – as I always keep on top of them, I’m only rubbish with my blog!!

Abigail J


Posted in Daily update


Hola (take thirty-four) Amigos!

Just a quick one to share my glee with you lot! I GOT AN UNCONDITIONAL OFFER FROM LINCOLN YESTERDAY! I’m in the uni no matter how bad I do in my A levels now and it’s so nice to have the weight off my shoulder.

I’ll catch up soon, love you all.

Thank you,

Abigail J


Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update

PDA V Relationships&General Chitchat..

Hola (take thirty-three) Amigos!
Again, in true me style, I’m sorry for lack of update but I found myself just laying on my bed crying and the first place I thought to turn was here, so imma get straight to it.

Does anyone else with PDA struggle with relationships? As in romantic relationships?
Because, oh heck, I do. I did before in my previous relationship and I never knew if it was just because we didn’t work out, but it’s becoming the same in my relationship now. And to tell you the honest sucks so bad. I hate it. I have a couple of months where everything’s perfect – the obsession that comes with PDA suddenly clings onto my boyfriend, it’s him I want to be with 24/7, and then suddenly, literally out of nowhere it just takes a massive U turn. I find myself questioning the relationship altogether, questions like – ‘is it worth the stress?’ ‘will we even last?’ ‘are we meant to be?’ and statements like – ‘this is pointless’ ‘I want to be single’ and emotions including isolation, negativity and feeling trapped all go whirling round my head and I just can’t get out of it. I try to stop and see the positive sides but this negativity hangs over me like a storm cloud ready to burst.
Today is one of them days, I want out of the relationship but I also know I’d regret that fully. It’s one of the worst things that affect me with PDA, I go from obsessing over this one guy, from him being my everything to wanting to leave him and escape. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive to the fact that a phase like this goes on in ‘normal’ relationships but I’m also not stupid enough to think it goes to the same extent. I’ve come to the conclusion that the demands of a relationship sometimes do just get waaaayyy too much, and I need to realise that’s okay. Before doing something I would regret in the nearby future, I’ve asked my boyfriend for just some space, some space for me to just regain that self esteem and to have a blank slate on demands of relationships. To which, I think he understands, only time will tell.
The down phases always come, still today, it’s part of my depression, PDA and anxiety so I know they’ll be around forever, but in the winter it gets so much worse when my SAD kicks in, the initial changing over from seasons is a real struggle and I guess this is what this all is about really, which is what I have to remember before making any rash decisions that just suit me now, rather than in the very near future. However, it’s really, bloody hard. I find myself battling my brain for a week or more just trying to do daily actions. I come home from school, get straight in my PJS and sleep. The demands are like hot water boiling over a pan on the hob, and I have to find a relief, which normally would be spending time with my boyfriend…but not right now eh haha.

So, instead, I’ve got to find my own way and maybe that’s writing. (I’ve recently started writing notes down to a plot of a book I wanna write one day)
So I was just wondering if anyone else with PDA has them down phases with relationships while they struggle with the demands faced to them? If so, please get in touch – – knowing people have the same problems would give me a heck of reassurance.

Sometimes we all have down phases..and thats’s the coming back out of it that’s important.
In other news, my Mum knows about my blog! It’s something I’ve always kept completely secret from everyone except for one very close friend and a councillor that once saw me and came up with the idea of starting a blog. I wish I could say I’d got the guts and told her but that’d be a lie, I have no idea how she knows! Mother, if you’re reading this now, I know it’s not just Mother instincts that made you find out I had a blog 😉 It actually is a funny story on how I found out she knew; I was at a University open day and we’d just come out of a Creative&Professional writing talk, and the lecturer had just mentioned that blogs were an important running system throughout. Afterwards, when sat in the canteen, Mum mentioned how a blog would be a good idea and I sneaked in ‘I’ve got a blog you know’ (so give me some credit, I mean I did think I was telling her!) to which she went ‘I know’, I’m still waiting to know how mind. But she’s taken it really well and there’s no pressure from her which I appreciate, if anything she reminds me to keep on top of it, although I’m still useless at it!<<
so, on the being 17 front – I've started driving! Is anyone else with PDA going to admit how hard that is? The demands are sending me crazzzaaayy! But, I've got my own little car – a Hyundai i10, which I love! – and my Dads taking me out at the moment, and he has been since the last weekend in August. The actual driving, I think I've got now, same with clutch control, but no chance on the manoeuvres! I was waiting to hear back from a guy that did driving lessons for those with special needs and I'd heard great reviews but he never got back to me after a month of voicemails being left by both me and my Mum, so I had to give up on him, which is a shame, as he himself had Asperges so he could've understood that bit more than most. However, I've recently messaged a 'normal' instructor and am now waiting to hear back what day he can do, I'll let you know how it goes! I'm very nervous though, it's one thing Dad shouting at me to 'TURN SHARPER' 'SLOW DOWN' but I don't know how I'll deal with a complete stranger. I guess the main benefit is atleast I can actually drive, but now I just want to pass!<<
school, so far so…okay?, Lessons are going fine and I'm in full prep to sit my A levels in June but crikey it's a lot of work and revision between now and then and I need BBC to get to my dream University so got to keep my head down. I also got my English Literature AS remarked and went up to a C – going up by 7 marks! I've just finished off my UCAS, which was crazy! I'm too young for this, what happened to little Abbi who stayed hidden under school tables in nursery and cried, begging my Mum to take me home?! Personal Statements are truly the hardest things to write, I'm sure J.K Rowling had it easier writing Harry Potter. I've not got enough confidence as it is, let alone when you've got to big yourself up on a bit of paper, I think I've finally finished it now though which is a relief. On the friend front, not so good, don't trust any of them and can't imagine I'll be talking to them when I leave school but for now they'll do.<<
t to anyone else with PDA struggling in education or to any parents forcing their children to get into school – YOU CAN DO IT!

My Mum never thought she'd see the day where I was in main stream school, let alone now applying to Universities. We've come a long, long way and I couldn't have done it without her pushing me to it. (Promise I'm not just saying that now she knows my blog exists. I'd be more than lost without my dearest Motherbear<3)<
nywayyyy, enough rambling for one day – feel free to email me as always, I love to help!<3<
hank you<
bigail J

x x x

Posted in Autsim, Daily update

Moany update..

Hola (take thirty-two) Amigos!

Been a bit of a tough week – so many friends have turned out to be very sly and yet again my ex has sent nasty messages to which I’ve ignored. My sister sent a few fb messages in retaliation though, can’t say I blame her, I’m fed up of being treated like crap by him when I haven’t even done anything wrong. All my ‘friends’ seem to have sided with him too which makes it all 100x worse. 

I’ve got a few hard things coming up, first off results day on Thursday – however, I’m not nervous of yet anyway. If you get below DDD you don’t make it into next year. You’d think I’d be nervous, I need to get into next year to get good A levels and then eventually to go on my own adventure at University. However, these arguments with my friends have made me secretly hope I don’t get in if it means I don’t have to face all the drama they bring me. It’s disgusting how they’ve isolated me when none of them can even justify one thing I’ve actually done wrong to deserve it. I’ve got plenty of friends, from year 8 onwards I never did struggle with my friendship group that much. But now I am, I really am – atleast in school anyway. I’ve got plenty of friends but they’re all elsewhere now. Some have just gone off to uni this year while others just happen to go to seperate schools which really does suck. It’s gunna be a struggle to go back to a place which always seems like hell due to the crazy amount of demands but now it’s going to be even worse – I’ve got to face it with very few friends by my side. But it does mean I can fully focus on my A levels which only can turn out in my favour right?! 

Second of all – I’ve got Reading festival. Thursday until Monday of next week – yano what that means? Busy and new places, very loud music and a whole lot of camping. I was excited for the social aspect of it but as previously explained those friends I am not so close with now. I’ve still got my boyfriend and some other friendship group whom I’m going to be with but it’s so crap how it’s all been ruined for no actual reason on my behalf. There’s also a party this Saturday coming which of course all my friends have been invited to, except me so that feels a bit crap. But onwards and upwards? I’ll let you know how Reading goes – it’s a massive step for me and my independence. 

On the good side – I’ve just booked a holiday in Spain for October with my boyfriend as his dad lives out there so we’ll stay with him. Should be amazing! I’m very excited to get some sun. 

As always email me on for any advice or just a chat etc. 

Hopefully my next blog will be more positive or atleast something useful for you lovely readers and not just moaning. But you have to know the goods and the bads right?! 

Thank you! 

Abigail J 

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Posted in Autsim, Daily update

Failing relationships… 

Hola (take thirty-one) Amigos! 

Don’t worry!! Me and my boyfriend are okay!! 

After a load of crap I’ve been dealing with by friends I felt it was only right to post a blog on it. Writing helps me relieve the stress so yous lot just have to put up with it! Would you prefer a spam or no post at all? 

It’s a tough one. A really tough one. Being friends while struggling with PDA. Or any type of autism for that matter. Friendship isn’t easy, not at the best of times for the most ‘normal’ people. It means constantly compromising, it means making other people happy and sometimes it even means arguing. However, arguing shows you care – it’s horrible, excruciating and aggravating but it’s a normal aspect of life. It’s important, it’s necessary to fight for those you love. As clichè as it is and as much as you hear it, people argue because they’re fighting for each other, not against each other. Sometimes those arguments seem the worst ever but forgiveness is always an option. 

I’ve been distancing myself from friends for what seems like forever, it’s those times when bad things happen elsewhere and you feel the need to be alone. It’s been like that a while for me. I’ve been struggling with other things on my mind so I’ve been separating myself from friends and the drama that comes with most girls at the age of 17. However, it all came backfiring to me last week, when my ex sent a horrid text saying how I was losing everyone. I knew what he was saying was right but I wasn’t going to admit that, he was only saying it out of spite anyway. Truth be told, the only reason I’ve been drifting from them is down to him. Being in the same friendship group as your ex is not enjoyable, let me tell you. The demands of trying to stay civil while not being too friendly is not nice. My friends seem to be getting off with him left, right and centre and it’s not nice to see whether or not you’re fully over them, especially when they’re your so called ‘friends’. So, my ex put me into WW3 as I asked all my friends what was up and if we were okay (to which I learned only 2 were annoyed) and then he decided not to message me back, to say to other mutual friends of mine and his that he wasn’t getting involved. Nothing like dropping your ex into arguments and then pi**ing off elsewhere is there! 

However, today brought forgiveness. It brought me a new frame of mine. I apologised to one of my friends for my actions and explained I was only isolating myself (Whether I think she did wrong or not I didn’t mention).  Sometimes I think forgiving and forgetting is the best possible option. I know if I stick to my usual stubborn self I’m only going to regret my decisions in the long run..when I go to Reading festival with both my ex and our friendship group and when we go back to school. It’s something I need to do so it’s not playing on the back of my mind all summer. 

I can’t stress enough how tricky any relationships are to keep when you have PDA. The demands are tough and never ending but sometimes tricky friendships make everything so much worse. Being demanded to be friendly non stop at school is another barrier for us – one that many don’t even spare a second thought to. I just need to stress that it’s okay to find them difficult, it’s completely normal to everyone, even more so to those with autism. Sometimes it seems the best option to keep to your stubborn guts during the argument but it’s also important to remember the benefits forgiving and forgetting will give you in the long run. I’m not saying don’t stick up for yourself because that’s vitally important and a trait that’ll be so useful over time. However, sometimes you have to prioritise your battles and when you’re battling against the demands everyday, you can’t afford a separate fight. 

Please remember – relationships and friendships that are supposed to be…will be. 

Sorry about the rambling post. I needed it off my chest. 

Thank you – email me for absolutely anything! 

Abigail J 

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Posted in Autsim

I’m Back!

Hola (take thirty) Amigos!


I know I know, not soon enough, almost 6 months later. I’m sorry, as usual when it comes to timing on this website.

So, quick catch up..A levels going well, just done my AS’ and I need grades DDD to get into next year to do the actual A levels, I find out my results in August, not too stressed as I’ve been meeting those targets since joining last September. Been a mare at home recently, with sister moving out/not moving out, and a few arguments which is unlike us lot, so routine is a bit messed up but as it’s Summer I’m coping okay. Also today I did my driving theory test…only 2 days after turning 17 and PASSED it! So very chuffed, now onto the actual driving I guess. Also, I’m doing a 10k run in September to raise money for the MS Society, a horrible illness that my Dad struggles with so one very close to my heart, so a lot of training goes into that! If anyone would be kind enough to donate I’d greatly appreciate it! The link to my Just Giving page is –

So, onto the juicy bit, I’ve got a new(ish) boyfriend, coming up to the 6 month mark now but as I’m useless at keeping my blog updated, to you guys it will be a new boyfriend! And the guy I broke up with and was so heartbroken over on a previous post turned out to be a right tw*t! However, he remains in my friendship group so has caused a lot of problems between me and my friends, due to him trying to get with the girls closest to me, fortunately for me though, true colours have been shown and I’m starting to realise who I can and can’t trust. Hoping it settles over the Summer and we all stop snapping at each other, but my ex definitely isn’t my biggest fan and I couldn’t care less! So, I promise you, the pain fades quicker than you can imagine! Anyway, onto my boyfriend, it’s been amazing for all types of reasons, the main one concerned for this blog is the fact I HAVE TOLD HIM ABOUT MY PDA! Can you believe it?! Because I still can’t. He knew I struggled from anxiety and had something else that I wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him yet, but eventually it kind of came out, probably about 4 months into the relationship. Telling him seemed no big deal, I did tell him over text as to avoid the judging eyes just incase they happened! and he took it amazingly! He googled it and got himself educated on a type of Autism he’d never heard of, it was nice to know he wanted to try and understand what I go through which is why he looked into it but I also panicked he’d believe everything he read applied to me – sometimes things can be exaggerated online by Doctors etc who don’t actually know a lot about the diagnosis but more common than that, symptoms that I, personally, don’t struggle with and I didn’t want him to think it all applied to me. However, it was the aftermath of telling him I struggled with, about 2 days later I panicked and over thought it all which concluded in me telling myself that my boyfriend was going to break up with me and as those with PDA do, I scraped at everything I could to take control of the situation, the only way I thought I could do this though was unfortunately breaking up with him! However, luckily, it was all sorted after a couple of hours and he stressed again how it changed nothing between us, I was no different person having told him I’d got PDA and in his words I “certainly wasn’t ‘Abbi, my girlfriend with PDA’ but still ‘Abbi, my beautiful girlfriend” so all did turn out hunky dory! The deeper we get into our relationship the happier I am that he knows, he knows much better how to deal with telling me what to do, keeping me in control of situations, alarming me of everything that’s going on and also, most importantly, UNDERSTANDING I have down days/weeks sometimes and it’s nothing to do with him! Something that I’ve found is vital in a relationship. I can’t stress enough how he makes me the happiest girl alive, all those clichè relationship quotes that you see do eventually feel real and I’m so hopelessly in love with him, and you know how I’m never optimistic..I have a lovely feeling everything’s going to work out with him..fingers crossed! A photo is attached at the bottom of the two of us smiling away, as proof that telling your partner about your Autism or any other diagnosis doesn’t have to be scary and if they’re truly the one for you, it’ll make no difference whatsoever!

Overall then, I’m very pleased I told him, it turned out in my favour and I can’t imagine a decent partner who would criticise you for something you can’t help, just telling them you have PDA doesn’t change the person whom they’ve fallen in love with. Wait until you feel 100% comfortable with this decision though and don’t panic like I did!

I am going to try my best to keep up with updating this blog – I’m going on holiday tomorrow for a week so might have to spare me some time first! Applying to Uni’s recently now for Creative Writing so this blog will certainly help my experience on the writing/publishing behalf!

Thankyou for reading and sorry for the long wait! I hope it was worth it!

Change of email again! Due to too much junk in my old email so please make sure to email if you do want to get in touch for any reason, wanting a chat, advice or requesting a blog post on a specific subject please feel free to!


Abigail J

X    X   X





Posted in anxiety, Autsim, Daily update

The PIP fight..

Hola (take twenty – nine) Amigos! 

It’s PIP time in my household, about a month ago me and mum fought for some money to keep us going. So mum can stay at home and not have to work because she’s my backbone. There’s not much I ask for in this life but we really could do with a bit more money as mum doesn’t get an income. And like most PIPs, we’ve been rejected…

My mums started the process now to challenge it, but of course it’s a battle that we could’ve done without. For those who aren’t familiar with it, you need 8 points for minimum money and 16 for maximum. I got 2. None for medication, even though I don’t know half the names of the ones I take and my mum is the one who provides me with them downstairs every morning next to a drink. We had no points for money even though it literally burns a hole through my pocket and I really struggle to sort it. In the letter we also had the phrase ‘with Abigail doing a levels it’s unlikely she’s reaching maximum struggles’ 1) I have to stay in education until I’m 18, unfortunately it’s illegal for me not to 2) The reason I’m at a levels is because I couldn’t deal with the transition to a different and new college. 

Again, it’s a fight we really don’t want to have. With mum always at home because I need her here for me there should be some money coming in for our household. Something’s got to give. Not only does it mean Mum’s going through the stress of writing a challenging letter, we all have to go through her anger and upset from it.

 Today on the way back from hospital she went ‘abs I’d have been better leaving you under the table all them years ago because you’d be in a better financial state just now’ she then went on to cry. It’s horrible seeing her like that and she knows deep down that she did the right thing by moving me on to school and now I have the skills to get a job easily whereas I wouldn’t have. But, god it hurts. In the meeting you have to look like a complete moron to even be in with the slightest chance of acceptance, it’s dehumanising and disgusting that if someone knows what time of day they have their tablets and they’re wearing jeans then they’re fine. What type of logic are they working off? It’s something that I can’t really sort but I do have to be here while my mum, for the second time, reports on all the worst things about me and when I walk past the computer screen and read a sentence it really isn’t a nice one. It hurts to fight for some money that we really need to keep me sorted. If my mum hadn’t have been at home all this time for pick ups and to catch my tears, I’d definitely not be the person I am today, but instead they continue to stay so tight on the money they have which leaves the rest of us struggling. 

It’s hard on all of us but it’s a battle we’re gunna have to take on head first.. 

Thank you. 

Abigail J 

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Posted in anxiety, Autsim

Down days..

Hola (take twenty – eight) Amigos! 

It’s been a weird several days. I remain in this kind of fake bubble of no emotions. I’m not talking to people, I’m just shutting everyone else out. My mum said today ‘abs I wish sometimes you’d cry when you were upset rather than just being quiet for days’ and she’s got a point. At the moment it very much seems like I’ll be stuck like this forever but I know I won’t. It’ll pass just like every other one has. It’s been stressful – emotions are all over the place and I’m lucky if I get my head to stop whizzing around for 10 minutes. I need a break from it all but it just isn’t possible. That’s the thing with PDA; usually later on in school terms, after the demands pile and pile up,  everything just reaches maximum anxiety level and there just isn’t anywhere else it can go. There’s down days for everyone but we seem to go to a really low couple of weeks until we drag ourselves back out of it. But getting yourself out of a dark phase is a demand so it’s all one vicious and f**ked up cycle. 

I very rarely notice how much my PDA affects me…I guess this is one of them… 

Thank you 

Abigail J 

                              X X X

Posted in anxiety, Daily update


Hola (take twenty – seven) amigos! 

Last night was hard. Really hard. I broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months because I need to put myself first. It really hurts. My whole world feels like it’s caved in around me but I can’t put all my happiness in the hands of that one guy. It’s time to put me first, to sort out my mental health. I’ve broken my own heart and even worse I’ve smashed the heart which belongs to the guy I love. I haven’t written us off forever and I made that so clear. He knows I struggle but he doesn’t know of my PDA, anxiety or SAD. It really kills me to know he’s upset and the texts I’ve received throughout the day have made a sickness form within me that I never thought was possible. I wish he hated me because it’d make this a hell of a lot easier..but he’s too lovely for that. I thought if it was my choice I’d be okay but the guilt is just adding to this undeniable pain that’s circling throughout me like a tornado. The face I saw last with his tears is the only thing ringing round my mind and I’m finding it impossible to focus on something else. However, what can I do? I have to have me time and sort myself out just now. I’m at a low point and whether that’s because of a level stress, it being January’s (doesn’t bode well with SAD) or if it’s just a low point again, I still have to rest and recorporate. My heart hurts like it’s being repeatedly smashed with a sledge hammer but I’ve got to help myself before I can be with someone. My vision is used to being blurred from these tears that don’t seem to stop forming. Have I done the right thing if I feel this low afterwards?

Thing is with mental health problems, how can you accept the love from someone else when you can’t accept it from yourself. 

It’s time to fall in love with myself. And then hopefully I’ll figure the rest out. 

Thank you. 

Abigail J 

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Posted in anxiety, Autsim

PDA’ers Anxiety..

Hola (take twenty – six) Amigos!

I’ve had a lot of blog posts whirling round my mind recently and I’m not too sure far these resolutions are working perfectly though as I’m sticking with my blog and even if I’m not posting everyday I’m replying to individual emails and thinking of new ideas. Another new years resolution was for me to not bite my nails and I also haven’t done that since last year (although only 16 days ago this is still a very proud time for me) So as I’m typing this up I’ve got freshly painted nails and I’m feeling on top of my life, for now, atleast.

I guess one thing I wanted to touch upon was the idea of teachers and their perspectives of PDA. Many believe that there’s an extreme avoidance of demands due to the desire to be in control of a situation, don’t get me wrong all PDA’ers beg to be in control of anything they’re put into but it’s not quite as simple as that. My teachers in primary school were always made aware of my PDA and because of this they’d but me as ‘team leader’ in group tasks thinking they were helping me out but infact it turned out quite the opposite for me – I hated it. As much as we want to be in control of our own situation it doesn’t mean that we all want to control everyone else around us. I know the severity of controlling others comes across differently in each different case – as does everything else – but it’s not always as common as one might seize to believe.

Since I remember I’ve craved to be ‘normal’ to be hidden at the back of the room when everyone else desires to be in the centre. I’ve kept the anxiety building up all day just to come home and cry myself to sleep – my best way of relief. I’ve never made a show of myself anywhere but inside my home because judgement is my biggest worry. The thing with PDA is it very much goes one of two ways – you either crave to be the centre of attention or to be in the back where no one notices you; it’s always black or white, it’s never grey for us. It’s always an obsession or we’re not interested.

On that note, so many times parents have got in touch with me and we’ve spoken about how their child fought with their life for something to then get it and not seem the least bit bothered. It’s so easy for us to get an obsession, to want a certain something with all we’ve got to then get it and be bored. I think for PDA’ers it’s the determinism that keeps us fighting everyday, it’s the battle that goes on between our minds and our hearts. We don’t want to face any demand yet we do, every single day because what other choice do we have? I think it’s vitally important that we fight for whatever we want, even if we give it all up after.

The determinism inside us gives us the strength that others don’t necessarily have because when you’re battling and fighting with the brain that controls you everyday why do you want to be in control? why do you not want to be in control? That’s where we differ; some of us want to get rid of this sudden possession of control when it’s given to us because we’ve never had it and some of us want it so bad just to get a taste of what it’s like to have that control placed in our hands.

And I really do believe at the end of the day that is where every single person with PDA mostly differs, it’s the complete ignorance of power or it’s the everlasting wanting for it. Is it the anxiety that makes us want to be able to control the PDA or is it the PDA that begs for us to control our anxiety. Either way we are all fighting for a release from a brain which constantly argues with simple everyday tasks. Many teachers, social workers, psychiatrists etc all believe that our want for controlling demands is because we like the feeling of being in charge, but perhaps we just like the idea of the anxiety leaving us for a while we focus on other tasks.

Because does anxiety trigger the worse days of our demand avoidance or does demand avoidance down days trigger the worst anxiety?

Thankyou – (you know the drill by now)

Abigail J

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